August Horrorscopes: Puppies and Rainbows

Where the EFF did July go? Well, it got swallowed up by summer fun, and planetary backasswardry, obviously.

I kind of cheated a bit last month with my whole “oh, July is a BLAST” horrorscope. It wasn’t on purpose, it was more like, well… the shit is kind of at a standstill, so we may as well frolic about like maniacs. Besides, I had places to go, people to see, puppies to rescue. As a Virgo, knowing what my fellow Virgins been through for most of the year, it was a decision I don’t regret (the horrorscopes or the puppies).

But here we are. Stuck in the middle with you.

In June, over half the planets (including Pluto) were in retrograde. If you don’t know what that means exactly, that cluelessness is pretty much what a retrograde is all about. Knowing something exists, yet not getting the full idea because nobody will turn the page OR close the book. Retrograde energy is similar, and we’ve had Mars, Saturn, Jupiter, Neptune, and Pluto spinning their wheels for over a month. The most familiar retrograde debacle, Mercury Retrograde, swooped in on us right at the end of July, bringing with it a six-ish week period of electronics and communication weirdness and failures.

Oh, and on July 27th, we had a lunar eclipse. The longest one that has ever eclipsed or something.


The double rainbow here is kind of cool. That long, slow, deep eclipse is like a huge pause button during a slow-motion experience of our current reality.

The retrograde planets are forcing us to MINDFULLY see every little thing in our lives (or, six planets worth of things) and reflect on those lessons.

This eclipse energy gives us a glimpse into the future, so much so that whatever we’ve been dwelling on during the last week of July will likely be resolved or revisit you in other ways in 2020. What’s on your mind? Make a note, and then bury it somewhere. Then make another note to remind yourself to dig up that note sometime in 2020. Make one more note to make those magical, mindful moments count, even in these days after the eclipse. Besides, there’s not much else to do until the middle of August when things begin going more direct again except write notes.


Darren Rhodes

Prepare to live up to your hot-headed hype, rammypoos. When Mars (your ruling planet) goes direct and hooks up with Virgo, you’re not only going to feel your oats but make plenty of delicious concoctions out of the little grains. Here’s the fun part for the rest of us… this transit probably means you’re going to be doing more for others than for yourself, making you think you’ve lost your fiery mind (and maybe you have).

Aries’ August Asana: Group Hug


Tara Stiles

Bull cuddling may need to become a thing. Or bull yoga. Or not. Whatever you decide to do this month, you are going to be one sweetheart of a bovine. All of that trudging through the mud and carting around discarded baggage is coming to an end. Instead, you may be headed straight for a newly opened heart, or at least a new wardrobe and stylist consultation. Venus is direct again (as of Aug 2), and with that, your heart is pounding out of your chest in gratitude and inspiration for the future.

Taurus’ August Asana: Wheel


Kathryn Budig

Pluto, the “I’m-a-planet-no-I’m-not-a-planet” planet has a few more weeks in retrograde, which is oddly comfortable for a Gemini mind but only in the sense of spinning in and out of control. One of your themes this year has been with relationships, and perhaps the relationship with yourself stands out in your mind as the most confusing of all. As all this planetary tension unravels, you may get to a point where you FINALLY understand yourself. Just in time to not understand yourself. In both cases, it is a much deeper understanding. Somehow.

Gemini’s August Asana: Chair with “whatcha thinkin’? hands, gazing past your third eye, hoping for clarity before it’s too late.”


Sharon Gannon

Well, holy healthy emotional levels, Batman. You may be tired of hearing just how emotional you are, but it seems that your superpower is about to be put on display as the ultimate super Sign. For real. Saturn is transiting your sign, so you may feel driven toward healthy and responsible emotional responses to life. SCHWING BATTER BATTER! Venus is also hitting on you, giving you all that you need to get ahead of the Jokers out there. Enjoy your month of pure, unconditional cancer love, you icky-beautiful crustacean and FEEL like you’ve never felt before!

Cancer’s August Asana: Lotus Mudra


Colleen Saidman Yee

Speaking of Venus, here comes Leo, swaggering around like they own this joint. Probably because you do. Venus and Leo are the peas and carrots of the horrorscope world, and August reunites y’all with a bang (heh) giving you permission to do your best damage as the generous, charismatic, enviably awesome soul you are. Too complimentary? Is there such a thing? Just go on with your superstar self and leave the rest of us to worship your almighty mightiness.

Leo’s August Asana: Peacock pose, one-handed.


Meghan Currie

Puppies. The funny thing about puppies is that no matter how much you try to be perfect with puppies, you’re not perfect, and they know it, and they love you regardless. That’s your lesson this month – you’re not perfect, you know it, so love yourself for those PERFECT imperfections. Let go of your expectations. Stop beating yourself up and get ready for some razor-sharp focus on you, your goals, and the messy goodness the Universe brings. FINALLY.

Virgo’s August Asana: All the poses in your new series of puppy yoga classes.


Tiffany Cruikshank

This month that diplomatic tightrope you walk will be a-quiver – not enough to make you plummet to your next incarnation, but enough to shake out your feelings and where to put things that are no longer serving you. Venus is leaving Gemini for Cancer, making you walk the talk you’ve been tightroping for the last few months. Fortunately, your gift of diplomacy will dazzle and distract from any missteps you may take as you saunter and sway but get ready to get real with the feels. Deal?

Libra’s August Asana: Twisted Dancer


Bryan Kest

I just read that scorpions can be seen under blacklight, they poop from their stinger tails, and that in some places, those same tails are dried up and smoked to produce hallucinations. That means, dear danger crunchies, that your ability to regenerate into eleventymillion different weird facts has not escaped me, or the rest of the planet. This month, you are rebirthing into something that is just as scary as running into a snip snap doggo: the new you.

Scorpio’s August Asana: Plow to Ear Pressure pose


Sadie Nardini

You have just a few more weeks of feeling stagnant and uninspired, as you gaze across your empire and see the tiny ants doing things you probably should pay attention to more. If you hold steady, those tiny details won’t matter again (whew!), and you’ll be free to create and inspire, rather than build better traffic patterns in the horrendous, Universe-inflicted, computer simulation game you feel trapped in. Breathe. Reflect. Get ready to put all of those tiny, gnat-like lessons to work soon.

Sagittarius’ August Asana: Dead Bug


Jill Miller (Yoga Tune Up)

Heh, you are gonna get all up in the feels this month. Remember all of those lessons on balance and how to stay non-attached? Kiss those days goodbye and welcome in the loving, passionate, exceptionally annoying (to a Capricorn) Venus in Cancer energy you’ve been avoiding all of your life. This is your Amityville horror, with bubblegum scented pink ooze dribbling down the walls of your snarky heart. Wheee!

Capricorn’s August Asana: Child’s Pose


Candace Moore (YogaByCandace)

You spend a lot of time entertaining the masses for your enjoyment, but now, they’re coming after you, asking for MORE. That alone can spiral you into those Aquarian moments of existentialism and doubt. Who ARE you? Why are you HERE… why NOW? Do you REALLY want fries with that? You don’t have to have the answers yet but get ready for a slingshot of weirdness that even you could never have imagined possible: svadhyaya.

Aquarius’ August Asana: Restorative crow (just go with it)


Shiva Rea

What comes around, goes around, and as the sign with the fishies swimming opposite of each other, you probably know that better than anyone. This month, you may find yourself chasing your tail more than normal, struggling to discover more about your inner self, while leading yourself further down that rabbit, er, fish hole. Give yourself the time to come up for air before diving back down into the abyss that is your soul. Let us know all about the swirly colors, too.

Pisces’ August Asana: Mountain

Roll the dice this month and watch them sloooooowlyyyyyyy spin through the air before finally settling into their numeric bliss. Enjoy the silence. Grab some nachos. Adopt a dog.


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