illustration by @anneamanda

December Horrorscopes: Look Inside Yourself

The end of the year is NIGH! That’s so great because now EVERYONE gets to go through that whole “New Year, New YOU” marketing madness. ALL of the people will resolve to do better for their bodies, minds, and spirits. Extra spots will be taken in yoga classes, much to teachers’ delight (sometimes) and regular practitioners’ angst (that’s MY spot!).

Gosh, this is gonna be fantastic.

Normally, this is where I burst the bubble of fantasticism (or fanaticism… y’know, perspective) and get to throw all sorts of planetary fuckery into the mix. But December is pretty devoid of the chaos we’ve had all year long.

Mercury goes direct on December 6th, after landing in Scorpio, giving everyone the chance to make HUGE mistakes that first week of the month… and then make them all better before the holiday and end-of-the-year parties happen. You gotta love happy endings.

FYI: If you’re looking to break up with someone for the holidays, go for it before the 6th… jerk.

For most of the month, the sun is in Sagittarius (which is why you are a Sagittarius if you are born in most of December), and the new moon will CONJUNCT the Sun in Sag on Dec 7th. That’s a fancy way of saying they’re holding hands. This pairing gives all of us an interesting way to expand our sensory knowledge as well as your emotional intelligence. PLUS, Mercury (that retrograde vixen) enters Sag on December 12th. So, you get this triple shot of Sag energy in all sorts of areas of your life.

Basically, you’re going to stumble upon a thousand new ways to be a New YOU in the New Year. The hard part is going to be acting on those discoveries. Don’t drop the ball once the ball drops.. Heh.

Without further ado…. Here are the Horrorscopes:


Darren Rhodes

This is your pinnacle month for introspection. Self-reflection. Thinking about yourself. You. Your triumphs, your tribulations. Your toes. You’ll begin to hear whispers of opportunities for work or career changes in the coming months but should just settle in for a while and allow that momentum to build. Instead, face yourself, fire beast. Talk to a counselor, a friend, or Siri for advice. You’ve got plenty of time to calamity-hop in the new year.

Aries’ December Asana: Forward Fold, tickle the mat


Tara Stiles

Slow and steady is generally your groove. Like smooth jazz or molasses in Uranus. December will have plenty of opportunities for you to languish in bed a few more hours or find that perfect pairing of flannel pants and chai latte. You could find yourself feeling a little suffocated by all of the GO! GO! GO! around you, so just nestle in a little deeper. Your flannel pants are the only pants you’ll need this month.

Taurus’ December Asana: restorative everything


Kathryn Budig

This is funny. You are right where you are supposed to be. You’ll figure this out by the end of the month because all of those pieces you’ve been spinning around, trying desperately to clutch in your stardust hands, are going to finally start falling into place. Both of you will be happy. Your Cinderella self and your glass slipper housing.

Gemini’s December Asana:  Exalted warrior


Sharon Gannon

There are two sides to cancer – the little crab who doesn’t let ANYONE fuck with itself, and the little crab who runs away screaming like a scared little puppy. December is your month to waive your battle claw as if it was a middle finger and pinch the shit out of anyone who dares cross your path. P.S. There are many more sides to you than two. Please don’t hurt me.

Cancer’s December Asana: Extended mountain, prayer hands


Colleen Saidman Yee

Every month, one sign seems to get the lion’s share of the challenges. No pun intended… clearly, this is your month. You’re going to feel pretty, oh so pretty, but also really spread thin for most of December. Logically (says the Virgo), this is probably from overbooking your fabulous self. Intuitively (says, well, the Virgo), it is most likely because you need a deeper plan for self-care.

Leo’s December Asana: child’s pose


Guru Jagat

Dude. If you’re still in Mercury Retrograde hell, just keep going. The other side is much smoother or will at least seem like the best savasana after the hottest-hades-fire power-vinyasa class you’ve ever taken. Or… maybe that’s just me. Wugh.

Virgo’s December Asana: Lotus (wipe your tears)


Adriene Mishler

Horrorscopes are funny. We “ass-trologers” all sit around our little star charts, divining the future for people who read them, wince/giggle/jump/cry, and then do whatever they want to do anyway. Meanwhile, we horrorscopers (it’s a word) are like THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T DYE YOUR HAIR, LINDA. For the record, December is a GO for hair dyeing, Libra. Also, you’re going to feel pretty good and yet not altogether excellent because of your tenuous affair with Uranus. Just keep on keepin’ on.

Libra’s December Asana:  Ear pressure pose


Bryan Kest

Annnnnd, we’re back. It is hard to determine the winner of the who’s got the best Horrorscope this month. I’d kind of like to see you and Cancer duke it out in some sort of bizarre yoga asana-off. Until that happens (or the end of the month), enjoy your career, relationship (or relationships, you ARE a Scorpio), your health, your finances, and your bright and positive future. Gross.

Scorpio’s December Asana: transcendence


Sadie Nardini

I guess you heard me talking to Scorpio about what a great month this is, so you had to wave your freak flag in our faces. Yes, you have a lot going for you this month, too. Finances, relationships, exploring the depth and breadth of your mind and the universe and how to make a perfect hot toddy. Here’s the thing… you don’t have the BEST month because you’re only just beginning your rise to awesomeness. Take that, you uppity astral interloper.

Sagittarius’ December Asana: Prone frog. Ribbit.


Jill Miller (Yoga Tune Up)

You’re a pretty down-to-earth kind of person. You like mental challenges and finding new ways to create, but for the most part, you are a lover of the simple things in life. You like to feel grounded, even as you are at the top of a mountain, reveling in your mental power. That’s you this month; having a beautiful sense of freedom and knowing you’ve done a job right… then remembering that you probably left the iron plugged in before you left the house.

Capricorn’s December Asana: half split


Candace Moore (YogaByCandace)

People who need people are the luckiest people. People who have an Aquarius in their lives are SUPER lucky! You bring flair, panache, pancakes, and sometimes sprinkles to the lives of those around you. Need a problem solved, here are 15 different ways to polymath the crap out of that multi-million-dollar business thing… you’re in your creative, sprinkly element this month. Be with your people, you dazzling unicorn, and enjoy the fruity flavors of your world.

Aquarius’ December Asana: Fish pose. Glub.


Shiva Rea

Comparatively speaking, December is kind of blah for Pisces. Your career is doing pretty well (or the opportunities are there – hint, hint), your relationships are doing pretty well, even your health is doing pretty well. All in all, this is a pretty okay month for you. I guess that’s enough, right?

Pisces’ December Asana: Lord of the Fishes pose

Enjoy the end of another fabulous year and get ready to slide your mat over to make new friends. 2019 is going to have a totally different flavor than the shipwreck year we’ve just survived. Grab your lifeboat and your favorite Titanic meme, and we’ll hook up again in January.

Illustration by anneamanda. Check out Anne’s Society6 shop!


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