illustration by @valeria_ko_art

May Horrorscopes: Uranus in Taurus, and other Butt Jokes

Looking into my crystal ball, I saw major potential in an article about Uranus in Taurus, which starts May 15, 2018 and ends sometime before the end of the world (2026). If you do not giggle a little when you say, “Uranus” like an America (Yer-anus), then I guess we will never be friends. In my Uranus excitement, I forgot that in April, right after the Mercury Retrograde ended, the Saturn Retrograde began.

The good news is that the Saturn Retrograde only lasts four and a half months. The bad news is that Saturn Retrograde is all about Karma, and this time, it is at its most powerful Karmic self in the “take no shit” sign of Capricorn.

Just plan on a lot of life lessons (yay!) and moments that could take your breath away. What you have sowed, you are reaping. When we know better, we do better, right?

We’ll just tiptoe away from that mess and deal with it later. Let’s get back to Uranus. Heh.

Uranus enters Taurus (haaaa!) on May 15th, just in time to take all your thoughts about money, currency, success, stability, and Bitcoin, and spin them around like a basketball on a middle finger from the Universe.

Taurus is the ruler of money, banks, material possessions (cows and bulls were once a form of currency) … all those things we love, and immediately face crises over losing.

Aparigraha. Non-attachment, y’all.

Because Uranus is the planetary ruler of “PSYCH!” it is also the “shake and bake” of Aparigraha: you cannot be attached to something that no longer exists. Uranus makes big changes happen, in a different way than that Karmic-filled, big bully Saturn. Uranus looks toward the future, destroying what is no longer working and establishing a new way of life. You know, no big deal.

The last time Uranus was in Taurus, we had a second World War that was preceded by the Great Depression. This time, we have a million new ways that electronics and Interwebs and dastardly hackers and scary political leaders can make financial systems pretty vulnerable.

Scared yet? Don’t be. Aparigraha… plus, Uranus is not a bad planet… just a little chaotic. It is not teaching karmic lessons, it is giving closure, so we can do things better. We can use this time to make our own changes, to take that bull by the, ahem, horns and… well, make changes.

Check your sun sign and your rising sign (if you know it) for a full dose of Uranus awesomeness… or just your sun sign. Whatever.


Darren Rhodes

You just had Uranus in your Aries (bwah!) for seven-ish years, so you are probably ready for a little break. Fortunately, you will be getting that break this Month. You may feel lighter, less like your head is going to explode in a megaton of rage and frustration. Unfortunately, while you have been in the throes of Uranus, your work is not done. Literally. You must get to work on your work and handle your business like a true Aries. Uranus will be your financial freak flag, allowing you to get creative with your fun-ances (get it?).

Aries’ May Asana: Warrior II


Tara Stiles

Run away. Just kidding. Uranus is in (and out of) your sign for eight years. Uranus is up your Uranus! Tee hee. You are going to see a ton of rebellion going on, big changes, magic, and mystery. When Uranus was in Taurus (until Jan 2018), you were finishing your pragmatic, self-evolution pattern. Now you get to use all of those tools to make changes EVERYWHERE. Your steadfast, stubborn, bullish self is going to be tested by a holographic gauntlet of, “what the eff?” Take on the challenges, scoff at them, make them your china shop.

Taurus’ May Asana: Wheel (of fortune)


Kathryn Budig

I guess because Uranus is the rebel, bringing weird surprises, it makes perfect sense that Uranus in Taurus will impact spirituality for Geminis. Fortunately, your double-self will have 84 whole months for existential reflection. Let those ideas spurt forth, like the cucumbers you are. Don’t be afraid of your weirdness. Embrace it. Let it flow, like your favorite vinyasa sequence or fondue fountain.

Gemini’s May Asana: Fallen Star


Sharon Gannon

Hey crabby cakes, guess what… Uranus in Taurus is going to help you really figure out the value of others in your life. In many ways, this is your super power. You can love the good ones, hard, and leave the others in the dust. You can also make friends with yourself again. In other news, you may really hate going to work, but that relationship will begin to make sense… or you’ll just bail on it and become a yoga teacher. Wait…

Cancer’s May Asana: Mountain (hands together, shaped as heart)


Colleen Saidman Yee

Oh my. Uranus in Taurus is going to increase your… flamboyance. The planet of “watch this!” is going to boost your creativity to new heights… for seven(ish) years. You may find yourself looking at more creative ways to express yourself at work or get a side gig as a mime. Well, not a mime. Can Leos actually BE mimes? Anyway, check yourself in the mirror, snap your fingers and point at yourself, you pistol. You are really going to love this new and improved you, which is ironic, considering you already really loved the old you.

Leo’s May Asana: Bird of Paradise, ca-caw!


Meghan Currie

If you are like me, and you probably are, since you are reading the Virgo blurb, you have had an interesting rollercoaster ride with money. Cash came in, cash flew away. You learned to save or what happens when you are three cents overdrawn. Now you get to take all of that painfully-earned wisdom and generate your own security. FINALLY. Its not like you could read a book or taken a class, nooooo. You were in the School of Life, taught by Professor Uranus. There was no escape. Go buy yourself something pretty.

Virgo’s May Asana: Butterfly w/Lakshmi Mudra


Elena Brower

So, you know how you like those finer things in life, and like to be diplomatic, and just a nice person? You are still good to go with all of that. In fact, your beautiful self will not change much, except for coping with the ups and down of financial weirdness for the next seven years. With Uranus in Taurus, you will be in a “fast and famine” type of struggle, which will either really stress out your need for balance, or you will see the ebb and flow and part of the plan. Take up something for your stress and anxiety. Like, well… yoga.

Libra’s May Asana: Warrior 3


Bryan Kest

After seven years of hitting your head against a brick wall, feeling like nobody understood your genius at work, you get to take those lessons and step into… more work. Rest assured, all that head banging was productive. You learned to bite your Scorpio tongue, which probably saved your tookus a lot. Then you gained perspective. Your love life was similar. Uranus in Taurus allows you to use all that pent-up frustration to take things to a new level, or start a co-op. Your choice.

Scorpio’s May Asana: Scorpion (for real)


Ana Forrest

If you were waiting for a signal to stop thinking (GASP!) and start doing, Uranus in Taurus is shouting NAMASTE, MOTHAFU…. It is not a financial flow (or lack thereof) you have been dealing with, but those pesky people you have to deal with every day at work, and maybe at home. The next seven years will allow you the freedom to make big changes in your bubble. Your job, your home, your family… whatever that means to you (and you probably already know), this you are going to be cleaning house, literally.

Sagittarius’ May Asana: Upward Bow


Jill Miller (Yoga Tune Up)

Surprise, you snarky, beautiful goat! You know that scene in Princess Bride with the Iocane Powder? That is your life until 2026. Uranus in Taurus may not have a lot of surprises for you… but that also means you could be surprised by the surprise. All of that security you love and the bullshit you hate could be topsy-turvy. Or not. Uranus is going to have a lot of fun with you for the next seven years, keeping you on your toes, wondering when that other shoe will drop. How delicious.

Capricorn’s May Asana: Revolved Dancer


Candace Moore (YogaByCandace)

Well, aren’t you the golden child of this transit? You do not really care what happens, and Uranus is not only going to vibe right alongside you and your glittered golf cart, but you will be getting a lot of shocking developments in your world. Shocking to everyone else. For you, its just another day in Aquarius land, but remember that while you are out strutting about, those who love you may need your special brand of funktastic folly. Also, keep a journal, because nobody is going to believe what happens or your response, and we want details, man. Details.

Aquarius’ May Asana: just make up your own, okay?


Shiva Rea

All of that time and energy you just put into creating the life of your dreams… well, you are a Pisces. Do not be shocked if you keep thinking that you are ready to try something entirely new. Please be shocked that the something “new” has less to do with honoring your natural creativity and artistry, and more to do with getting your shit together. We will be shocked for you.

Pisces’ April Asana: Downward Dog (gaze at your navel)

Uranus in any sign is a game changer. A disruptor. A prankster, but not a fool. There is a method to the madness…

So embrace whatever it is you call currency – financial, job security, relationships, your inner self, and get ready for it to shake loose and create a brand-new set of problems to deal with. Uranus. Uranus. YER-anus.

Illustration by Valeria Ko.


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