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September Horrorscopes: Don’t Quit Your Day Job

Are you feeling like things may no longer be trying to slowly squeeze every bit of life and joy from your world? Is your “character building” anaconda releasing its grip on your business, love, and spiritual motivation and endeavors? Are you ssssso ssssssick of the sssssnakey sssssshhhhhenaniganssssss you could ssssscream??

HISS HISS HOORAY! September could be the release you’ve been looking for!

This ginormous sigh of release actually started out with the Full Moon in Pisces on Aug 26th.

A fortuitous time to release all that doesn’t serve you; all those things that are throwin’ off your groove.

The Pisces full moon brings about a bit of wonder and Disney-like awwwwww with its whole declaration that NOW is the time for miracles to happen. In fact, the more you release, the bigger the space for miracles. How does that help you now, almost a week out? A waning moon (from full moon to new moon) is the veritable exhale of the universe. You can use this time to release, readying yourself to receive those miracles that the new moon brings. You can shed the skin that’s itching the crap out of you, letting a smoother, scalier skin take its place.

But only for a week or so. Then its all about receiving again. Because… balance. Obviously.

This month, this beautiful September month that celebrates Virgos in all their glory (and a little bit of Libra) has a few things that are going to unshake everyone’s world. It is also my birthday (and I love Star Wars if you were wondering what to get me).

Speaking of my birthday, right around September 6th, Virgos, Mercury enters our sign. Our ruling planet has come home to roost. Get ready for some HUGE changes and watch that throat chakra open right the eff up. Awwwwyeah.

But that isn’t all! Both Saturn and Pluto have been in retrograde since April 2018, bringing all sorts of reflective lessons in our karmic paths and career- or dharma-related pursuits. September corrects that energetic illusion, allowing both planets to resume their regularly scheduled bull-in-a-china-shop activities. Basically, don’t quit your day job. You had that chance over the last few months, and now you should mind your Ps and Qs. Whatever that means.

Actually, with both Saturn and Pluto back in business, you could do everything possible to increase your good karma points and still be left with a case full of empty WTFs and a brand new tattoo on your arse. The best part? You’ll LOVE it all… eventually.

On top of Saturn and Pluto going direct, Mars has also stopped lollygagging, bringing its fierce, fiery energy back where it should be: action. On August 27th, Mars went direct, and with it, came a big jolt of Jolt (cola, remember that?) – all the sugar and twice the caffeine. Mars is the Jolt of the Universe: all the can, twice the whoop-ass.

September is the month where everything should begin to make sense again. Unfortunately, with all of the full moons, backwards planets, and other Universal weirdergies, what should make sense no longer looks like it did before all of this happened.

Welcome to your new world. Your butterfly emergence after cocooning. Your reality after samadhi. You’re welcome, and that’s a nice tattoo.


Darren Rhodes

You are the master of “GO! GO! GO!” usually without thinking one minute about what may be on the other side of that last “GO.” This month, take pride in your impulsive, stimulation-seeking self. Bask in your need to experience EVERYTHING. You have the whole shebang going for you this month, and nothing to fear (except fear and the great abyss of nothingness that we all know is our true reality).

Aries’ September Asana: Half-moon w/reverse Anjali mudra


Dharma Mittra

Normally pragmatic and, well, stubborn AF, September brings a little hitch in your giddy-up. The retrograde energies of the past few months have been right up your snoot, but there is only so much deliberation you can do before you get to charge forth and bring your goodies to market. This month, pull out the magic lasso, wrap it around something sparkly, and hold on tightly. Smother that dream like an Awful Waffle hash brown. Satisfaction guaranteed. Mostly.

Taurus’ September Asana: Chair, arms extended, holding the reins of your subconscious.


Kathryn Budig

Pssst. There’s something shiny around the corner. Go see what it is.

Gemini’s September Asana: Lotus with one eye open.


Sharon Gannon

On the one hand, this is a great month for you for your social life, love life, and any emotional interaction with others. On the other hand, all of this energy means that you could be in need of plenty of mind, body, and soul nourishment, too. Keep in mind that not all affection is actually affection. It can be affliction. Or Ben Affleck.

Cancer’s September Asana: Hero (own it)


Colleen Saidman Yee

This is the most Virgo month for you Leos. Restructuring. Thinking. Planning. Analyzing. BORING. But for reals, you have to take some time to plan out your wardrobe and grand entrances. You cannot just hit center stage all willy nilly. Be a smash but be a SMART smash. Your personal WOW! Factor needs a shot of learnin’ and September is all about bringing you those opportunities for growth.

Leo’s September Asana: Mountain


Guru Jagat

Well, well, well… WELL. Here we are, our birthday month, and guess what? We get to have fun and enjoy the fruits of our virtuous labors. We’ve had enough introspection and pulling together the pieces of our once well-manicured hopes and dreams. Now we get to throw those pieces around like confetti. Life confetti. Hell, take the month off and just BE. We all know this isn’t going to last.

Virgo’s September Asana: Cheetah


Tiffany Cruikshank

I recently read something about Libras imagining having sex with the entire crowd of people they’re surrounded with. I’m not sure if that was one-on-one, a group thing, or somewhere in between. However, that translates in your head, enjoy the spicy side of life this month. Get those juices flowing. Immerse yourself in the waters of pure inspiration or whatever you call it. Take a shower… probably a cold one.

Libra’s September Asana: Goddess


Bryan Kest

We, the people, love you and think you are the greatest thing since yoga nidra. You make us happy. Our hearts swell when you speak and flutter when you are near. We want only the best for you, and that means you should take all the time you need to focus on yourself throughout the month. We understand your need for solitude, for introspection. We also need to be far, far away from the words that are likely to spill forth from your mouth, particularly if they are directed at us. We have feelings, too, you know.

Scorpio’s September Asana: Slow, deep, calming breaths


Sadie Nardini

Do you remember that old saying, “don’t let your mouth write checks your ass can’t cash?” In your case, this month you should just hide your checkbooks from your mouth, your fingers, and, well, you. You may think you have the funds and the energy to get things done. However, you’re wrong, and any peacocking will end up biting you in the bum. Chant it out, let it go. You’ll find a better, less exhaustive way of getting things done than to throw yourself (or your dollars) around.

Sagittarius’ September Asana: Bound side angle


Jill Miller (Yoga Tune Up)

You’re the best, Cap’n. Go forth and strut. This month, there is literally nothing that can stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do. Climb a mountain? Done. Shave a sheep? Double done. Eat a bunch of tin cans and not have tummy troubles. You betcha. You’re all goaty-gloaty again, and with good reason. Enjoy your bask on the bridge, Billy. You’re baaaad like Shaft! Can you dig it?

Capricorn’s September Asana: Exalted Warrior


Candace Moore (YogaByCandace)

Once upon a time, there was a brilliant, rainbow-colored, sparkle-swan that loved to dance away the night and fly kites and eat sprinkles and chocolate all day long. This swan had no intention of ever stopping that train of awesome but wanted to spin and swirl forever and ever into the anti-abyss of floooty-tooty cotton candy lava land. Then September hit and the swan was pretty damn tired and took a 30-day nap. You’re the swan, Sparkles. Nighty night.

Aquarius’ September Asana: Savasana


Shiva Rea

They say a fish in one hand is worth two in the bush. I’m not exactly sure who “they” are in that scenario, but it goes without saying that sometimes, you just have to shrug and go do your own thing because getting caught up in details is dumb. Go be your fabulous, amazing, charm-the-pants-off-them, fishy self, and leave the details up to anyone but you. Smoochies.

Pisces’ September Asana: Mermaid (obviously)

Compared to most of the year, September should give everyone a little kick in the pants where they’ve been needing it most: in the pants. Assuming, of course, that everyone is actually wearing pants.

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