Art: Jupiter and Callisto by Domenico Vito

April HORRORscopes: Big Abundance Kick

So, how’s 2019 treatin’ ya so far? Have you felt a shift, or just more of the same ol’… same ol’?

We just made it through an interesting Mercury Retrograde, and now we are spinning vibrantly into a new month of wonders – and more retrogrades. I’m on a big “abundance” kick right now, so there’s one retrograde in particular that’s got my horn rootin’ tootin’ – the Jupiter Retrograde.

This is on top of the spirit-crushing Saturn and destroyer-of-dreams Pluto retrogrades. All wrapped up in the pretty month we call April. But, you know, this is all fine. April showers bring May flowers, unless you’re in the Southern Hemisphere – I think.


Jupiter is the planet of abundance and fun, freaky gifts that we never really expected (or possibly wanted). In a retrograde pattern, we get to really dive deep into what abundance looks like for us. Maybe it’s financial abundance. Maybe you just really dig squirrels. If you are serious about abundance and letting it enter your life, now is a really good time to determine what it is that you want, and what it is you can let go of in order to drive more of the good stuff into your world.

You have until fall to use those energies of release/receive in terms of getting your abundance straight. Get to it.

Here are the horrorscopes you didn’t know you wanted:

The new moon is all about you, and that’s exactly how you like it! You get to be bold, be beautiful, be all that you can be this month… and without apology. Jot down all of the triumphs you tango with this month and see the formation of what may be heading your way over the next few months. Many things begin now for you.

Aries’ April Challenge: Extended Mountain

Decisions, decisions. Your birthday is coming, and maybe you’re having some of those unsavory pause-and-reflect moments filled with doubt and angst. Maybe you’re creating your birthday wishlists. Use the energy to make sure you are looking and feeling your best. Cut your hair, dump your significant other, let go of what’s just not working for you. Buy yourself something pretty.

Taurus’ April Challenge: Chair Twist

The only thing weirder than a Gemini with a plan, is a Gemini MAKING a plan. You’re launching yourself forward, like a slingshot of ooey-gooey awesome. You even grabbed your parachute and marshmallow mattress, just in case. All you need now is for the other you to cut the cord and let things happen. Grab your space goggles (as if you didn’t already have those on) and get ready to BE the change you’ve been seeking.

Gemini’s April Challenge: Eight-angle Pose


People can be really frustrating for Cancers. You need people to help you, whether in your daily life, your career, your family, but those people also can really be big meanie heads. Is it worth it? Sometimes. What can you do about it? Not much. This month, notice how many people are contributing to your professional and career success and let them do their thing… FOR you.

Cancer’s April Asana: Breathe

OMG, OMG, OMG! You are PRIMED and READY for new adventures! The blast of Aries is what you needed to hit the road running, so why are you even reading this? Get off your chair and move forward with the new THING you want to do. Go, go, go!!

Leo’s April Challenge: Bhastrika Breath

Grossness. There’s romance for you this month. Happiness. EMOTION. It could be a new job or hobby or non-romantic passion, but probably not. You’ve got stars in your eyes and flutters in your heart, and it isn’t because of that new laptop you just got. Take this blast of love and use it to figure out what you want in a person, and ultimately, what you want for yourself. Make a list. Ground yourself.

Virgo’s April Challenge: Noose Pose

You’re the “hold my hand” sign that occasionally totters off into “hold my beer.” People are going to be a huge part of your evolution this month. So much so that you may decide that competitive keg standing is a reasonable use of your diplomatic skills. You may also just decide to get a bunch of your friendlier friends together for a night around a bonfire, howling and dancing… No kegs required. Whatever floats your goat.

Libra’s April Challenge: Partner Warrior III

It may feel like this entire month is filled with molasses and high-pitched screaming. That’s no reason to keep hiding your sensational sense of humor and dashing good looks from the world. Despite the fuzzy screaming in your head, you can absolutely pull yourself out of the mud and get your mind together. In fact, that is all you need to do this month. Feed your body. Take a shower.

Scorpio’s April Challenge: Anything outside, chirping birds included.

You’ve got Jupiter retrograding in your sun sign, which gives you a slightly more difficult time with this whole abundance thing. You may feel like you are fighting your innate, idea-expansive self with all of these little things that keep getting in the way of your fabulousness. Slow it down and find that precious pause of nothing.

Sagittarius’ April Challenge: Vritti-busting Breaths (your choice)

Sometimes, you just gotta give in. You have to be willing to accept the fate that the Universe has handed to you. You are a warm, gooey, bag of love this month, especially when it comes to your body, home, and family. Granted, your body, home, and family may take place in a dollhouse made from the pelts of your enemies, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it. Sillyhead.

Capricorn’s April Challenge: Saddle pose, heart-fingers mudra

You get a shot of practicality and unwavering direction this month, which is weird, yet, nothing is really weird for you. This is just your way to infiltrate regular society in order to plant the seeds of your quirky, yet truly brilliant plans. Be pragmatic, embrace your inner Taurus, and shock them by painting a picture using nothing but your silver tongue.

Aquarius’ April Challenge: Fallen Triangle

Jupiter has a big gift for you, even in this retrograde. It is a moment to pause, hold out your hand, scrunch your eyes closed, and savor the anticipation of getting the perfect gift for you. You may need to schmooze a bit and use your intuitive wiles, but you will be shockingly surprised at how you’re getting back on your “everything always works out” track that has been so obviously missing during much of the last year.

Pisces’ April Challenge: Sweeping Camel

Edited by Ely Bakouche


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