Avast, me hearties, we are a wee bit off course this month, given the stupendous timing of Scorpio season and the stunning entrance of another Mercury retrograde (Oct 31 – Nov 17). A long time ago, before there were internet asstrologists meme-ing all over the place, Mercury in Gatorade wasn’t a collective consciousness consideration. Times have changed, but the effects of these kinds of planetary asshattery have not. Nor has the influence of other planets in other signs. Yet it is the mercury retrograde that seems to get the most angst… possibly with good reason.

Mercury rules two signs: Gemini and Virgo. Some circles will say that there’s a “planet” that “rules” Virgo: Vulcan. But Vulcan isn’t a “real” planet (because it is invisible and hides in the shadows of Mercury, not because it is like Pluto, the planet that can’t catch a break); therefore, Mercury can’t rule Virgos. Admitting Vulcan exists potentially proves we Virgos are just Spock-like aliens.

We can’t disprove that, but we also like to be above a part of whatever is happening on Earth, so we just go along with Mercury being our “ruler,” lest you mere mortals get spooked and find us even more odd than you do now.

I don’t want to point out the obvious, but perhaps the reason Mercury Retrogrades are so wonky is that Mercury is hiding a lot of things, including another planet, thereby potentially wreaking havoc on our subconscious minds. Plus, Mercury has the audacity to retrograde (appear to spin backwards) three (ish) times each year, making all things with communication go haywire.

Why does this happen? How can an optical illusion like Mercury retrograde crack out communication on our little planet? We don’t know. We also say things like, “the moon made me do it.” So, maybe it’s anecdotal, maybe it is magic. Maybe we should remember back before we had things like computers, math, and logic, when the world ran solely on planetary weirdness and crop harvesting. Or, we can just accept the fact that no matter how advanced we are, the Universe will ALWAYS Mercury Retrograde us back in line, like a good, chancla-wielding Abuela does. For example, most of the month of November 2019.

The sky isn’t falling, but it sure has some drunken angst to get off its shoulders.

The season of the scorpion is upon us, much like a stinging rash on our thighs that we can’t help but claw to pieces. Scorpios are the dark, sexy, scary badasses of the zodiac. They are also some of the biggest assholes of the zodiac. When a Scorpio stops responding, it isn’t “no contact” – it is time to watch your back.

So we all get a taste of Scorpion energy this month. Not in the dirty, nasty, crime-of-passion way, but in that ability to feel okay with the fact that we, and our lives, are not always rainbows and namaste. We can be mean and petty, and we can own those shadowy sides of our selves. We can also use that information to release the triggers to those feelings. Sabotaging another yoga teacher? Practice some gratitude. Overindulging in selfies? Teach an adaptive yoga class.

Scorpio season allows us to accept how crappy we can be, let go of our self-judgement and the things that make us crappy people, and reaffirm our desire to be good ones again. It is also the end of the “wheel of the year,” meaning that just like January 1, this is a great time to make promises and resolutions that help us grow.

In other words, if you’re tired of the bullshit, this is a really great time to make some changes.

For the rest of us, we’ve got a lot to think about this month. Mercury Retrograde. New Moon in Scorpio. Full Moon in Taurus. Candy hangovers and holiday horrors – it must be time for horrorscopes!

Aries

You know that feeling when you are stuck behind the slowest driver on the planet, and all you want to do is GO GO GO? That’s your November in a nutshell. On the bright side, you have plenty of rage to keep you warm during these nights, and plenty of opportunities to practice that elusive skill called “patience.”

Aries’ November Challenge: Yoga Nidra (but not while driving).

Taurus

You strive to make your world as luxurious as possible, methodically creating comfort in the things you eat, the clothes you wear, the people you love, and the items you covet. This month you may feel like you’re sleeping alone in a cold room, on a bed of nails, feeling like nobody hears you… and they don’t.

Taurus’ November Challenge: Scorpion.

Gemini

What is a Gemini without their handy dandy social media life? Sad. Distrustful. On a cleanse that wasn’t planned, isn’t fair, and will never make a difference because there wasn’t a problem, to begin with. Detox yourself from constant communication and give yourself the benefit of getting to know your… selves (get it, twins?).

Gemini’s November Challenge: Revolved dancer pose on a mountain top, nobody to snap a photo.

Cancer

In any great soap opera or novel, there comes a point when all of the answers to the big drama start to reveal themselves. That’s your November. All of the crud has come home to roost, and now you have to fight your way through the feels and remain the hero, when all you want to do is hide out in your imaginary castle of reggae music and ice cream.

Cancer’s November Challenge: Warrior II, vampire fang smile.

Leo

One of the worst things for a Leo is when that dream about showing up for work or school for a big presentation and not wearing pants comes true. So, that could happen… only, you aren’t dreaming, and you really aren’t wearing pants, and people are laughing. The joke is on them, though, they’re not wearing pants, either. Ha.

Leo’s November Challenge: Yogi Squat, 3 layers of pants, just in case.

Virgo

People rely on you for your ability to keep them from exploding, flying away, or swimming into the ocean, never to be seen again. Right now, you can’t even order a psychopathic black coffee without fumbling over the words. As Weird Al always says, “It’s unintelligible, I just can’t get it through my skull, It’s hard to bargle nawdle zouss, With all these marbles in my mouth.”

Virgo’s November Challenge: Om.

Libra

Relationships and people are your favorite things, but it is hard to keep up those lines of communication when Mercury is like, nah. Except, of course, for the round of exes that will just wanna see what’s up and have coincidentally just been “thinking about you” lately. Retrograde smetrograde, turn off the phone, and go get a massage.

Libra’s November Challenge: Eagle, eyes closed.

Scorpio

Oddly enough, as much as you may feel out of control during this time, the satisfaction of watching everyone else spinning their wheels has a soothing effect on your demonic soul. Jerk.

Scorpio’s November Challenge: Laughing Buddha.

Sagittarius

Expansion is your middle name, and that’s why Mercury has decided you are to remain in a tiny little box with very little room for movement for the next few weeks. In response, you should totally turn your crank and pop out your clown head to scare children. Your season is coming, and it is going to be fantabulous.

Sagittarius’ November Challenge: Levitating starfish.

Capricorn

You know that IT person who keeps asking you if you have restarted your computer, if the cords are all plugged in, and if you have refreshed your browser. They are your poltergeist this month, ensuring you won’t get anything done because you have to follow a process that you know is broken and yet, you are powerless to download the update you desperately need to resume your conquering of the world.

Capricorn’s November Challenge: Noose pose, on your office chair, daring the IT person to escalate your ticket.

Aquarius

Frankly, your weird ways of adapting to your surroundings are going to be the savior of your soul this month. All communication devices are going to be wonky, allowing you plenty of opportunities to wiggle your way through the day, relying on your own fantastical wits. Make sure you only use credible sources that can be backed up once we’re all back online, or at least find ways to emphasize all of your theories are hypothetical.

Aquarius’ November Challenge: 5 random yin yoga postures with air quotes.

Pisces

You may feel like you ALWAYS have problems with technology and devices, that Mercury retrograde is just the rest of the world catching up to your superior spirituality and gadget glitches. We can’t disprove your theory, but don’t get too smug. You are looking at a disconnection between yourself and the inner guidance and spiritual dialogue you are so proud to contain in your fishy flesh. Do you know what that means? Small talk.

Pisces’ November Challenge: standing split, touching the earth, with your toes in the sky, no water, water, anywhere.

Edited by Ely Bakouche

Zodiac sign illustrations by Anastasia Zaritovskaya

Art: The Scream by Edvard Munch re-envisioned by Ksenia Sapunkova

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