It is the last month of the last year of the last decade… before the new month of the new year of the new decade. Please, panic appropriately.
As I sit upon my throne of gummy bears and last year’s memes, I wonder if the astrological angst and uncertainty I witness across the interwebs are likened to the days when cultures really believed the sun was dying and behaved as such. In those days, there were sacrifices to deities and curses on neighbors as the whole “we have no idea why it is dark at 3 PM and therefore everything is evil” shebang surfaced.
The helter-skelter cacophony of WHAT DOES THIS MEAN when someone mentions astrology nodes and trines and the existence of planetary energies seems to grow with each moon dance. Why? Because astrology is trendy and witchery is afoot… probably manifested as an algorithm, or sign from the Universe. It’s really hard to tell them apart these days.
Dearly beloved, I’m here to tell you that we are always going to be in a state of planetary bullshiz. So while you are searching for a rare aspect in your natal chart’s 8th house, remember to take a moment to look up at the stars and appreciate those bastards for all they do for us.
That said, let’s see what kind of cosmic craziness is in store this month of holiday hassle. Fun fact: it takes Jupiter about 12 years to journey around the sun. So, one day in Jupiterland is like… well, our February on Earth. That means that Jupiterfolk get a lot of time to get pretty wacky, given the scale of their circadian rhythms. This December, Jupiter has ticked out of Sagittarius and has ended up smack dab in the world of Capricorn, a pairing much like cheese and gravel.
This Jupiter in Capricorn is literally the fat cat in the tiny box: If it fits, it sits. It shouldn’t be there, but what are you going to do about it besides post a photo (#jupitercat #poorbox #catsofinstaglam)? You see, for the next year, you are going to be that box. You are going to be the best too-small-to-hold-the-cat box you’ve ever been. Why? Because Capricorn doesn’t give up and this particular energy shift is your own large, purr-y gift of Sagittarius brain explosion. Your destiny for the next 12 months is to work your ass off to reap the biggest abundance from the last year of overthinking.
That feline gift is the result of Jupiter in Sagittarius for the last year, where it was in its home, gathering up big ideas and belly rubs. Everything you have been planning and given over the last year (including those craptastic karmic lessons) has moved from the planning stage into the action stage. So, no more dreaming, list-making, or procrastinating. When it comes to working toward your destiny, this next year is about to empower the hell out of your motivation, drive, and the results from actually doing the thing. Get out there, tiger, and show ‘em what you got. Rawr.
So, happy birthday, Sagitarrius! You get the gift of WORKING toward your goals, rather than just daydreaming of better days. Your birthday payback is the slap-your-ass reality of your own ginormous brain. Not only is this your month to celebrate, but you’re going to have a lot to be thankful for come next year… if you don’t drop the ball.
For the rest of us… let’s get this party started!
Career and financial goals are in your sights this month, and there is plenty of great energy around to help you move forward. That means you’re going to probably have to stop trying to be right all the time and listen to what others have to say. Maybe a new hobby will help, like… yoga.
Aries’ December Challenge: Shoelace pose (look, no hands!).
So, you want to be a better person? Maybe have a better home or relationship? You’re under a lot of pressure to DO something (and you are) but you probably won’t have a lot of indication on what that is. Break out of your same ‘ol, same ‘ol and strap on a pair of rollerskates or shave your head. Be the banana split you’ve been dreaming of. Inspiration doesn’t happen while you’re sleeping (shh).
Taurus’ December Challenge: Squwaking Squirrel pose (make it up).
Aries and Taurus are up there, looking for their personal meanings in life and here you are, riding your unicycle of “purple hair, don’t care,” like a champ. You’ve got a pretty good month ahead as you crank those planetary pedals to and fro, finding your way into the dizzying world of success… whatever that actually is. Be smart and stay humble, lest ye fall from your wiggly pedestal and wind up running over your own head in a freak unicycle accident.
Gemini’s December Challenge: Child’s pose.
I know it seems like the last few months have been really challenging in all areas of your life. From relationships to job to health, you’ve seen your fair share of crapity crap crap. Fortunately, that has made you pretty used to working through those challenges, which is what you get to keep doing this month. No mud, no lotus… am I right?
Cancer’s December Challenge: Lotus with a pouty face.
Simmer down there, your super fun attitude and charming personality are far too much for us mere mortals to take. Sure, strut around like you’ve got everything going for you. We know you’re on fire right now, and we know we have no choice but to let you have these moments. We also know that you are being super kind and generous and we are so in love with you because you’re awesome. Sigh.
Leo’s December Challenge: Nothing is a challenge for you right now, you beautiful beast.
First… you have to deal with relationships this month. Because once in a while, you need to tend to those in a more direct way. There could be feelings, so take cover. Second, you get to make lists. You get to make plans. You get to clean off your proverbial desk and get yourself organized for the months to come. That time is coming, the one you’ve been waiting for when you get to DO the things, all the things. Just remember that you’re magic. Diligently working magic.
Virgo’s December Challenge: Do all the things, one thing at a time.
You also get to deal with relationships this month, but that’s kind of your jam. These relationships are more about your career and personal power than the romantic kind. You could actually be ready to make a change in a romantic relationship (not that you aren’t always kind of ready to make that change, Libra!). There’s a lot of peopleing this month; time to sort ‘em out and get ready to ride into the future. Whoever that may mean (heh).
Libra’s December Challenge: Down dog, energize your toenails.
The only thing that might be scarier than a brooding Scorpio is a happy, joyful, exuberant Scorpio. Yet here we are, dangling mistletoe over the heads of unsuspecting strangers on the streets, making kissy noises before running away, giggling like a fool. You’re just going to be weird this month. Embrace it.
Scorpio’s December Challenge: Making meditation muffins.
You get to breathe a big sigh of relief this month, as your brain did not explode over the last 12 months with all of the new ideas, plans, and inspirations that occurred. You might find yourself in a new country, or a new house, with a new life, a new dog, and new shoes that you never dreamed existed. Just go with it.
Sagittarius’ December Challenge: Hiding from the “new year, new you” madness ahead.
Not only is it your birthday, too, but for your birthday, you get the weirdness of Jupiter, but you also get the amazing experience of full abundance on your side. People are probably going to suspect you are consuming too many rum balls this season, but let them. This is your month, Cappydoodle, and you get to scare everyone with your happy happy happy self.
Capricorn’s December Challenge: One-arm handstand on a cliff as an eagle gently lands upon your foot and smiles for the selfie.
“Go with the flow” is your mojo this mo…nth. You’ve got 99 problems and none of them actually exist because you’re a magical Aquarian who doesn’t really care about problems, at least not this month. You are in full celebration mode, whatever that means, and ready to tackle this wacky Capricorn energy with glitter and silly string. Get ‘em, uh, you.
Aquarius’ December Challenge: Happy baby on a pool raft, somewhere exotic.
In the astrology playbook, Pisces and Capricorn don’t really have much to say to each other because they’re Pisces and Capricorn. Yet somehow, this month, Pisces is taking a page from that playbook and working like a Capricorn on all sorts of home and family-infused fun. Capricorn doesn’t care but is also secretly impressed at the results. Pisces doesn’t actually care about what Capricorn thinks, but will definitely take Capricorn up on that offer for drinks later.
Pisces’ December Challenge: Reverse tabletop body shots.
Edited by Ely Bakouche
Zodiac sign illustrations by Anastasia Zaritovskaya