January 2020 HORRORscopes: You Are the Architect of Your Life

Are we filled with hope for the New Year, making plans, goals, resolutions, and promises to do X so that Y is better? If you were looking for an answer from the Universe, the stars, and the Asstrology experts, this is a pretty good time to move forward with your 2020 plans. SHA-ZAM!

The sky isn’t falling right now. There is weirdness, of course, but all of it is serving a higher purpose. A purpose of expansion and righting the wrongs (or, creating new wrongs that look like rights). Rather than the same ol’, same ol’, we all get to dig deep and realize the truth of our sweaty human natures. Every New Year people are in the streets screaming about new chances, plans, hopes, and dreams. Usually, I like to point out that there’s really no reason to get so excited. It’s just a date, a number, blah blah blah nihilism. But this 2020 thing has some pretty great energy behind it.

Who knew? Well, ASStrologists. For example:

2020 is significant in that the number 22 is the “Master Builder.” In 2020, you are the architect of your life, AND we are the collective architects of our futures.

We missed a full moon in 2019 – there was no Full Moon in Cancer. We have 13 moon cycles each year (13 is unlucky because of the relationship between moon cycles and womenfolk), but those moon cycles are only counted by the New Moon. So, we missed ONE crazymaking time (full moon) and the memes that follow.

Most of the time, the signs are okay with being left out, and I’ll be that not a lot of humans cared, either… However, Cancer can really hold a grudge, packed away in its crab shell of protection. The first Full Moon in 2020 and in this New Decade is a Cancer Full Moon (*cue dramatic music*) on 1.10.2020 (and it is a Lunar Eclipse!)

While Cancer can hold a grudge, what Cancer is really best at is delivering the most soothing energy of ooey-gooey love, ever. This full moon is going to feel like we are all wrapped up in a snuggle hug with a giant pink stuffed bunny. Expect to feel all warm and gushy or like you are being suffocated. There’s probably no middle ground.

January 12 also brings Saturn (karmic lessons) and Pluto (rebirth) together with Capricorn (get off my lawn) in a fruit salad of… well, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Work for what you want because everything you’ve been through in the last few years has led you to this point in your life where you can create change. Maybe take up yoga. Buy an island. Eliminate poverty. Smash the patriarchy. Whatever.

At the same time, URANUS is going DIRECT, which means at least 2 more jokes about Uranus and the settling of some pretty wonktastic energy since August. Don’t know where you left your keys? Uranus. Can’t seem to take a step forward on your five-year plan? Check Uranus. Want to shave your head and make beats with your electric ukelele? Bless Uranus.

Essentially, you had every right to feel pretty good about the New Year, and after January 10th, you’ll be right. You’ll be able to BE the Capricorn (who pretty much makes everything happen) you want to see in the world. At least for a while. Just make it count, whatever you do. Go forth and Yogi.


January, and most of 2020, is all about your career and where you’re headed in life. The steps you’re taking now will make a HUGE difference in your life for years to come, as long as you keep your opinions to yourself, think before you speak, or take a vow of silence. Perhaps being a mime or circus clown isn’t such a bad idea. Eat your veggies.

Aries’ January Challenge: Double Pigeon and a spinach smoothie



You know how many times you’ve snorted disdainfully and declared you were just going to leave it all behind and travel the world completely solo? Your powers of manifestation are unparalleled this month, this year, and this decade… or, maybe just for the moment. Regardless, now is your chance to pack your suitcase and leave your worries behind. Everyone else will be happy to undo all of the hard work you’ve accomplished while you galavant.

Taurus’ January Challenge: the Running Man


Typically, you get to play on your innate childlike nature and get out of a lot of responsibilities because you’re just so darn cute. However, this is not a typical time, and you are being given a window of adulting opportunity to get your finances, career, and 10-year plan in order, but with a twist. Basically, you’re going to be a cult leader. Surprise! Namaste.

Gemini’s January Challenge: Restorative chicken


Knock, knock… who’s there? 2020, obviously. This is your wake-up call. RIIIIING, RIIIIIING! Stop letting people walk all over you and stop hiding your beautiful heart. Because you can absolutely do both of those at the same time and not lose your mind, right? Seriously, doormat energy is so last year. Boundaries are the new growth mindset for you, little crabbyheads.

Cancer’s January Challenge: Metta meditation & a shot of Sriracha


Don’t just stand there in your fresh, new 2020 ensemble, looking all suave, swanky, and super fine. Take a moment to appreciate all of the awesome you are, and then make your plan to take care of you. No Leo can survive on compliments and mirror gazing, alone. You need to sleep more, drink more water, and do yoga all year long. Be good to you, inside and out, you elegant beast.

Leo’s January Challenge: Child’s pose


As President of the World, you may have been so absorbed in the planning and the doing, that you forgot about the creating and the living. You are not just a picky, industrious fool; you need your own creative outlet to bring you joy and happiness. Try fingerpainting in the bathtub. Getting messy with an easy cleanup is right up your alley. Heck, even bring a friend or two on the adventure.

Virgo’s January Challenge: Spinning Gecko


You usually feel pretty “at home” when you are… at home. This New Year energy will have you feeling at home and wanting to make your home and even homier home. Building and renewing that energy will fortify you for the year to come, so go forth and shop those post-holiday sales. Buy a mattress. Make some mushroom tea.

Libra’s January Challenge: Mountain pose, wiggle your nose


Over the past few months, there has been a pretty big change going on with Scorpio. While still focused on deeper emotions, you may be feeling more open to sharing your black-heart truth with the world, rather than growling at those who want to know you better. The New Year is going to bring a lot more heart-openers your way, whether you like it or not. Come out of your dungeon and embrace your inner squishy bear. Crack a smile. Try not to crush heads.

Scorpio’s January Challenge: Sphinx and a haircut


Normally, you’re out there thinking about the big stuff, or inside thinking about the bigger stuff. You know, things like, how the world works, whether 2020 is the beginning or the end of the decade, or do you want fries with that. For now, you’ll be hard-pressed to take those expansive thoughts outside of your own four walls, your career, and your financial flow. Give the brain a rest and take yourself out for a nice dinner.

Sagittarius’ January Challenge: Butterfly, gaze to the navel


You work. You like to work. You prefer to work over just about everything. Sometimes you think you work too much, but then you remember that your way is the right way. This New Year energy (and well into 2020 and beyond) is all about giving you everything you have dreamed of. From new sheets to the publication of your How I Became Super Me autobiography. Enjoy your sunshine, sunshine. You deserve it.

Capricorn’s January Challenge: Dancer pose on a parade float


All along, you knew your wacky plans were going to work out. Now to wait, wait, wait, until they begin to sprout, blossom, and reach Peak Aquarius. In the meantime, you’re going to have to dig in and be like everyone else with a desk job and a printer that never seems to work. Patience, they say, is a virtue…

Aquarius’ January Challenge: Spinning Lotus on your office chair


It may seem like you are returning from one of the hardest-fought battles of your life. Probably because the last few years have been pretty rough. Chin up, buttercup, things continue to get better and better (swearsies!). For now, begin looking at your community, your friendships, and your relationships, and how you can get yourself back out there. Your old life isn’t going to buy you dinner, but those shiny new friends probably will.

Pisces’ January Challenge: Abundance meditation with all the crystals

Edited by Anastasia Buterina

Zodiac sign illustrations by Anastasia Zaritovskaya

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