February Horrorscopes: 28 Days of Peace and Quiet

Once upon a time, the planets lived happily ever after. There was no muss, no fuss. Nary a retrograde or energetic awfulness for the beautiful humans to survive. It was as if the heavens literally called a time out, and all of the persons had no choice but to pick up the pieces and play nice again. The planets, knowing what was to come, let this game happen throughout the first few weeks of this one year in particular. They egged on the stillness through February, making it as though the normal we were all feeling was going to stay the course… forever.

Planets are jerks.

As we yogis all know, nothing lasts forever. Let’s think of February as the final month of genuine, straight-from-the-bottle astrological transit energy.

Take a long swig from that bottle. Savor the flavor. February doesn’t have a lot going on for it typically, which is why it is the shortest month. Can you imagine a February that lasts as long as January did? February is synonymous with impermanence. For reals. Get in, get out, get… along, little doggie.


A few dates to keep in mind – a new moon in Aquarius hits us up on Feb 4th. That reenergizes us to create better relationships, find better places to hang out, and nurture deeper connections to our authenticity. Start planning your summer during this time and watch how zany your world can get. On Feb 14th, Mars breezes through Taurus, bringing a surge of financial strength that can help plan your budgets for the year (or those summer getaways!). February 19th brings the Snow Moon – a full moon in Virgo, on top of the Sun settling into Pisces that same day. That’s a pretty karmic time for earth and water signs; it is also a significant time for closure as we wind down the astrological and lunar years.

All in all, you have 28 days of whatever to whatever. So, go and whatever the heck out of whatever. Whatever.

Here are the horrorscopes you didn’t know you wanted:

You are going to run the show this month with your independent, saucy self. From table dancing to organizing your closets, you may experience the purest form of our February planetary energy. Aries don’t always get credit for how they have less baggage than most other signs, but that’s what makes your impulsivity possible (or, impulsively Impossible). Enjoy your naked freedom; it doesn’t get this good too often.

Aries’ February Challenge: Pistol pose

Left foot. Right foot. Other left foot. Other right foot. That’s how we do it in Taurus land. One step at a time. Slow and steady. Easy does it. No need to rush. No china shops to destroy. Just chewin’ the cud, hoofin’ it along, and kind of loving the flow.

Taurus’ February Challenge: Downward dog

Y’know how we joke about your two personalities? The twins? Heckle and Jeckle? You get to fly both of those flags this month, beginning with a journey through space and time. Metaphysical, interdimensional travel is possible right up until that crazy full moon hits us. Then… well, take a long nap and enjoy a refreshing shot of emotional cleansing. Yum.

Gemini’s February Challenge:  Savasana


Something about this Aquarius moon is just going to rub you the wrong way, like a heavy wool sweater in July. Ick. You’re gonna have your fightin’ claws on, ready to snap at people and not at all try to escape into your protective shell. You’ll be gloomy, shadowy, even… angsty. And guess what, you can BE that because you can’t always be sniffly and weepy. Until later in the month when you resume your normal, heart-on-your-sleeve joie de vivre.

Cancer’s February Asana: Jumping Jacks

You may find yourself in a big house, with a big bed, and a big need to cuddle a big teddy bear and rest your big, weary heart. Perhaps you are tired of the games, but more than likely, you are just tired of the player. Whoever or whatever has held your suave gaze no longer holds the same joy they used to. Could it be you are prettier, or that you are just more interested in anything but the drama of relationships?

Leo’s February Challenge: Warrior I

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A FULL VIRGO MOON DOES TO A VIRGO? GET THEE TO AN OFFICE SUPPLY STORE AND GO WILD. Besides, there is much work to get done before the next *whispers* Mercury Retrograde.

Virgo’s February Challenge: Every side plank variation ever created

Giggle. Chuckle. Snort. You’re on top of the world, it seems, making new friends, finding new ways to bedazzle your pants (take that as you will), and just generally enjoying the amazing balance of energy from the Universe. AREN’T YOU LUCKY? Keep in mind that frolicking away from your responsibilities will probably come back to bite you pretty badly, and as THE SIGN of balance, we expect you to handle your business accordingly.

Libra’s February Challenge:  Toe stand

Some days, you’re the life of the party. Other days, you’re a brooding mess. This month, you can expect more of the latter, but in a way that helps to heal your heart and perhaps those pesky ancestral wounds, too. Plus, you get the go-ahead to soothe your soul by staying home, cleaning house and releasing toxins, like after the longest Marichyasana sequence, ever.

Scorpio’s February Challenge: all the Marichyasanas. All of them.

You are all about the people this month. The people in your house. The people in your neighborhood. The people in your computer. They’re all about you, too, which is pretty great, given the alternative. Soak up the people vibe while it lasts, and enjoy being the center of attention, knowledge, and all things social. Your existential crisis is coming.

Sagittarius’ February Challenge: Full lotus

If abundance is what you’re looking for, then you just goat right ahead and get it, Cappypants. Your Fab Feb is filled with shopping and allowing those abundance vibes to hit you smack on the cheek, like a sloppy, wet kiss from Aunt Martha. You’re bringing your own good mojo to this month, so be careful what you wish for because you’ll probably get it.

Capricorn’s February Challenge: Saddle (giddy up!)

Happy birthday to you! Most of the month, expect to be on FIRE (not literally, you beautiful weirdo) and TORCHING your way through 2019. Like a rainbow-studded shooting star, complete with Viking hat and spicy chai, your only limitation is the one you set upon your feather boa shoulders. Get out there and take things up to that next level. Don’t stop at 11 (or 11:11). Be the Elton John you wish to see in the world.

Aquarius’ February Challenge: Balloon breath

This time of the year can be challenging for you, dear Pisces. You want the cupcakes. You even made the cupcakes. But it is just not time to eat the cupcakes. Not yet. This makes you sad, and that makes us sad for you. We should all go and create a new meditation that allows us to experience the cupcakes before the cupcakes are actually ours to experience. You get that metaphor, right?

Pisces’ February Challenge: Scorpion

Y’all, things have been way too calm. Enjoy these last few weeks of “normal” and get ready for the zesty dashes of rootin’-tootin’ asshattery to come. And how!


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