January Horrorscopes: New Year, Old You

Well, here we are. TWO THOUSAND NINETEEN. Do you feel NEW? How’s the resolutions plan going? Did you go back to work yet?

Me either. I mean, aside from writing this.

When last we met, 2018 promised there would be a “new normal” for everyone, quite literally at the end of the year. We are actually ALL a part of the “New Year, New You” madness. Only, it may be hard to tell, especially for those who look to blame their car/work/love/health/spiritual problems on the planets, the moon, the neighbors…

As of January 6, 2019, there are no retrograde planets. The New Moon in Capricorn on the same day, and the Internet-shouted “FULL SUPER BLOOD WOLF MOON” toward the end of the month (January 21) are pretty much it for this NEW YEAR month. There are some eclipses, too (like, well, two), and that always amps the lunar juices a bit, but we are not dodging a million different planets throwing their gloves and middle fingers in our direction anymore. Instead, we are cleaning up our personal streets and homes that have been ravaged by 2018 planetary asshattery.

Bonus: the New Moon in Capricorn is a perfect compliment to all of those New Year resolutions we’ll forget in a few weeks. It’s a little extra boost to your determination to be a better, newer, you. But, also, it will probably remind you that you are perfect as-is, to respect your journey, and to still enjoy a cupcake from time to time.

Back to this new normal. We all had a lot of swiftly moving energy over the last year. Lots of time to reflect, to release, to renew for the years coming. Did you book new classes this year? Are you ready to try Trampoyoga (haha)?

dO YOu haVE GoaLZ foR tHe NEw YEAr??

Relax. Seriously. Give yourself a break. Read your horrorscope. Living a healthier lifestyle with less rollercoastery goodness can be a trauma in itself. How do we act when there’s nothing wrong anymore?

Do you feel that tingle when you jingle? Are you jumping to GTFO of a place, relationship, or self-imposed rut? Now is a really, really good time to use your special brand of impulse energy to jettison yourself into an entirely new orbit. Make changes, make waves. Make yourself your own damn sandwich, you independent Tasmanian devil, you.

Aries’ January Challenge: Crow

Damn, a nap would be great right about now, amirite? This month, you’re in your element of luxury and steady movement. That definitely means you get to spend a lot more time in bed, on the couch, or anywhere that recharges you. Take advantage of this time that is just for YOU. Enjoy all of the PLODDING you did through that energetic shit storm we call 2018. Buy new socks.

Taurus’ January Challenge: Easy Pose

You, too, get to chill a bit but don’t get too comfortable. The other you has an itch to scratch: more ideas, more plans, more FABULOUSness in 2019. You get a chance to put away the decorations, but also to start gearing up for the next big party. Everything IS a playground right now, you two-headed ball of crazy. Bounce away and get that energy hyped for the rest of the year.

Gemini’s January Challenge:  Skull shining breath


Get ready to face your biggest desire; get ready to face your biggest fear: relationships, partnerships, people, and life-sharing foundations are all revving their motors for the crab cluster this month, bringing lots of forceful energy to get your claws clacking. You’ll need to choose your partners carefully, in love, career, and friendships, and be open to the growth-inducing shrieks of rejection, too.

Cancer’s January Asana: Warrior II

So. You have nobody to blame for your AMAZING month except yourself. Venus is your muse, bringing you inspiration, energy, and the sparkles of a thousand fairies to make all of your crazy dreams come true. Don’t make any resolutions, just follow your big, beautiful heart and let the Universe take the wheel. You’re so pretty.

Leo’s January Challenge: Eight angle pose

That which has fallen away was not supporting you anyway. Stop grabbing onto those stilts, stop being the spinning plate. LOOK around, and most importantly, look inside. All of the crapola of the past few years has given you a stronger, better, more bionic foothold for your dreams. You’ve got to walk away from the rest, and you know exactly what that is.

Virgo’s January Challenge: One solid hour of meditation

During this first month of a new year, you get to tell everyone around you to sod off. You get to take a few moments, days, or the entire month to just rebalance yourself. The people factor you have been dealing with in relationships, friendships, at work, or in your family has been unstable at best. This is your time to flex your diplomatic word craft and verbally cut those chains so you can enjoy this 2019 version of yourself.

Libra’s January Challenge:  Warrior III, middle fingers blazing

Maybe you need to pay some bills. Maybe you’ve decided this is the year for a better job or to head back to school. Whatever you’re doing to get in a more secure place, this is where you get to use those scary powers of manifestation (put the sexy powers away, Scorpy) and launch yourself forward. Expand. Discover. Step out onto the stage. Show ‘em how it’s done.

Scorpio’s January Challenge: Do the Hustle

When in Sagittarius, do as the Sagittarius do. In this case, that means you get to strut your stuff in all things mental – from education to legal agreements to traveling (across the planet or through your own consciousness). This is a season (well, month) of adventure for you, Saggy-poo (Sajjy, not saggy…) you have to be ready for all of the crazy goodness January has in store for you. Go forth. Be wonderful.

Sagittarius’ January Challenge: Lightning Bolt

You may be surprised that your “new normal” is a much nicer version of yourself. Perhaps gone forever is the ornery goat person you once were, and now you’re more of the hopping-in-pajamas baby goat Cappy you swore was dead forever. You may even find yourself in different places (mental and physical) all year. It all starts now. Grab your jammies and your favorite pillow. Let the party begin!

Capricorn’s January Challenge: Lion’s breath

Heeeeeyyyyy Aquarius! Wanna go out? Wanna talk about trippy things? Wanna EXPAND your mind? This is not a joke, nor is it a hard sell on psychotropic drugs (well, I mean…), this is JANUARY. Go get weird in new places. Order a sundae topped with weird sprinkles and a sidecar of weird sauce. Your 2019 is set up to be a more Aquarius version of your 2018 Aquarius year, with new friends, too!

Aquarius’ January Challenge: Triple lindy pigeon

I just got back from a whirlwind road trip with my family and two beagle puppies, one of which barks and whines at the other one who has something she wants, even if she has her own on the other side of the crate. In a nutshell, I had to life coach my daughter-beagle, much like you this month, dear Pisces. If you want something to change, get up and take what is yours. IT IS RIGHT THERE.

Pisces’ January Challenge: Half moon

Edited by Ely Bakouche


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