July Horrorscopes: Hail Jupiter!

“HAIL JUPITER!” the crowd screams, knowing that if it does not hail Jupiter, Jupiter will get all miffed and flounce away.

Jupiter is a planet of surprises and generosity. It is the planet you want in your house (literally and astrologically) when your bank account is at $1.03, and you are dying to try that new kombucha.

The funny part about Jupiter is that instead of adding dollars to your bank account, Jupiter could just unload a years’ supply of red cider vinegar on your front porch. It’s close enough, and wow, such abundance!

Jupiter has been transiting through Scorpio since last October, and we’ve recently been in a Jupiter retrograde, where the planet’s energy is more reflective than proactive. Generally, that means we’ve had a lot of internal growth and blessings (many times, in the form of high pitched wailing and ginormous sighs of release) rather than trucks of vinegar showing up. Now, those days are ending, and we are heading into what seems to be a pretty good summer of loving, abundance, and fun, courtesy of Jupiter.

Hail Jupiter, y’all. Practice gratitude. This won’t last forever as there are a SLOOOWWWW lunar eclipse and a new Mercury retrograde heading our way. Soak up the sun while you can!



Darren Rhodes

It is possible that while you have been hiding from reality (mirror gazing, eh?), reality has been doing the work and you are precariously missing everything that is on the other side of that mirror (but, damn, you lookin’ fine!). This month, you may want to take off the blinders, toss away that fear of the unknown, and grab a pair of new shades. Look for abundance in your career and your relationships, look outside of yourself, and see how much you’ve grown this year!

Aries’ July Asana: Wild Thing


Dharma Mittra

July brings promises of goodness in almost all aspects of your life: family, career, health, etc. While that may be amazing news to most people, to the Taurean, that can mean huge shakes to the stable, steadfast, pragmatic “normal” life you are used to. It is oddly easier to trudge through the piles of poo you know, rather than swat away a full-scale swarm of abundance. Grab a butterfly net and let yourself loose, enjoy the fruits of all of the work you’ve put in these last months (and year), and don’t worry, you’ll be back in your slow lane again, soon enough.

Taurus’ July Asana: Wheel


Kathryn Budig

If nothing else happens to you this summer, you’ll get a big, beneficial wallop in your bank account, career, or another financial sector… and you’ll LIKE IT, dammit. There aren’t even any strings attached. Whatever projects are under your watchful eyes are about to blossom, which means more work, but that’s why there are two of you. Don’t stop, don’t take a break, ride this wave of awesome all the way to the yacht… follow the rainbow to the pot of gold, you crazy leprechaun(s).

Gemini’s July Asana: Anything with Jazz Hands


Sharon Gannon

There isn’t a good way to put this, and things have not been easy for Cancers in the last few months… but you can use more lessons in introspection and the abundance within. You may feel you are so deeply introspecting, you do not need anyone else out there. Fear not, the rest of the world is waiting for you to emerge from your hidey hole and zap us with your crabby bisque of enlightenment. Just not this month. Stay hidden. Introspect like a boss; your day is coming.

Cancer’s July Asana: Rabbit


Colleen Saidman Yee

The world has been spinning without you (gasp!), making you feel dizzy and off balance. Fortunately, that changes this month, as you’ll be able to pounce on some new opportunities. Unfortunately, you still won’t be given any major awards or accolades. You’ll probably have a few “a-ha” moments with your career or life’s purpose. No big deal, just a lot of inner work that keeps you on your toes, precariously posed in a blindfolded side plank.

Leo’s July Asana: Blindfolded side plank. Duh.


Guru Jagat

For EFF’s SAKE, Virgo, aren’t you tired of constantly wondering about the people around you or those ghosts from your past? You’re not paranoid, you’re not obsessed, but there are some HUGE ASS lessons you’re learning before you spring forth into the world to enlighten others. It has been a rough few months for the Virgo crowd, and July is going to be a bit of a turning point, getting you out of the rut, and moving you toward your (eleventy million perfectly crafted) goals. Feel the sun on your face (then put on some organic sunscreen, because you’re not a lunatic).

Virgo’s July Asana: Thunderbolt


Tiffany Cruikshank

You just keep on, keepin’ on. Your summer lovin’ is going to have a lot to do with just loving the life you’ve been given, finding the joy in those special moments, discovering a new recipe for vegan street tacos that will astound even the most un-vegan member of your clan. July gives you Justin Timberlake vibes. Get your ramen head out there and enjoy the heck out of it!

Libra’s July Asana: Flying Dragon


Bryan Kest

If you’ve been looking for an answer about going back to school, a new mind-blowing hobby, or ways to grow your super huge (and relatively diabolical) brain, you’ll find all of that this month, and more. Just like an infomercial where people randomly spill things, only to discover a plastic solution was just a website away, you’ll stumble (but not spill) across July and come out the other side with a new plan to expand your horizons. Sham-wow!

Scorpio’s July Asana: Sky Archer


Sadie Nardini

Jupiter may have a big surprise for you, right in the feels this time. You don’t even have to live in your head or be the idea person this time. You just have to brood and stomp your feet and glare while your abundance collects itself outside your front door. Spoiler alert: your big gift from Jupiter could very well be integrating yourself into a community where you depend on others and have emotional connections and fun. Whaaaa?

Sagittarius’ July Asana: Partner Tree


Jill Miller (Yoga Tune Up)

You crazy goat, you get a month where you’re going to be fed, and fed well. Whatever it is that nourishes your soul… expect a lot of it. You may also notice that you’re overindulging in food, beverages, other tasty treats, to cope with some relationship weirdness. Let them eat cake, and tacos, too. Everyone loves food, share the wealth and deal with the weirdness next month.

Capricorn’s July Asana: Wide legged forward fold. Om nom nom.


Candace Moore (YogaByCandace)

You’ve had a pretty decent year, and we all want to thump you on the back of the head. This month, while receiving those wishful thumps, you’re still going to be living the good life with good friends, good times, and if you are not partnered right now, perhaps a super good time with a new friend. Keep a third eye on your spirituality, holding your unique insight close and personal, as you twirl and swirl through the month, floating on unicorn clouds.

Aquarius’ July Asana: Dancer


Shiva Rea

Your summer will be swimming in creativity and pleasure, a nice change from whatever-the-eff that crap has been the last few months. Expect a release, an open-mouth sigh of relief, as your prana begins to flow again in all areas of your world. Put out any health-related fires so you can enjoy your time in the sun, on the beach, or in the wilderness of the awesome ahead.

Pisces’ July Asana: Locust


Much like the blast furnace of summer, Jupiter is granting us all a little break from the challenges we’ve been facing. It’s a big planet, filled with all sorts of gifts to give. Stay cool, y’all, and enjoy the month, the lunar eclipse, and get ready for the next Mercury retrograde (July 25-Aug 18). We’ve made it through half a year, so rock that beach flow and do an extra sun salutation (Jupiter salutation?) in gratitude for just how far we’ve come.


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