March HORRORscopes: Mercury Retrograde Survival Guide

We’re going to take a different road this month. A road filled with potholes, roadkill, and possibly the edge of the flat earth. If you have been following along and memorizing all of the prior HORRORscopes, you should have noticed that for the past few months, things in Astrology Land have been relatively calm. Most of the backasswards planets were back in their saddles again, spinning up their regular styles of energy. We felt as normal as we possibly could, all things considered. Yessiree Bob, that was TOTALLY your new normal! Woohoo!

But the only thing that is constant is change, and everything is pretty much some sort of illusion anyway, whether we’re talking about astrology or the weather or your dog. I was confronted with an illusion just the other day – that rocks are actually squishy AF in their natural state, but they harden in our presence because they’re jerks. We can’t disprove that. We can’t disprove ANYTHING. The earth could be flat. I could be giving away millions of dollars. You could be named Salangabanga and have NO idea. Anyway, the only thing that is constant is change.

Fortunately, we have a Mercury Retrograde to make it all better for us.

If this is your first time with the Mercury Retrograde phenomenon, it usually looks a bit like this: people screaming because computers, phones, and all electronics and communication devices seem a lot more assy for a few weeks.

Some of us exchange knowing glances; others just hide for the full six weeks.

A few things to know about Mercury Retrograde:

  1. It is called a retrograde because the planet appears to be spinning backwards.
  2. This is because of gremlins.
  3. It happens 3-4 times a year, but only for 3 weeks, with “shadow” times on either side as the energy builds or disappears (respectively), so it ends up being around 2 months of misery.
  4. You don’t have to believe in Mercury Retrograde for it to be real. It believes in you.
  5. If your sun/rising signs are ruled by Mercury (Gemini/Virgo) you tend to have a harder time, or you’re just more dramatic about it.
  6. You can blame EVERYTHING that goes wrong on little Mercury, but given the nature of a Mercury Retrograde, we encourage miming your angst rather than speaking it.

A little more about the Mercury Retrograde… It affects all of us differently, but still in the same wheelhouse of “communication.” This is based upon a lot of factors that have to do with the time, place, and location of your birth. I won’t bore you with the gory details here. Instead, we’ll rely on the old magic of the Sun sign and how Mercury Retrograde will probably help you navigate this month of wonders.

Overall, this Mercury Retrograde falls in Pisces, which means we are all going to confront a bunch of misconceptions and illusions we carry and communicate as a part of our more spiritual side. Those illusions can be related to our jobs, friends, loves, ourselves, and our connections to what we believe are truths. You know, no big deal.

It sounds awful, and it is, but if you weren’t reading this you wouldn’t know why you were suddenly having an existential crisis and just dealing with the feeling that nothing makes sense by doing what you usually do.

Go ahead and do that still. You know, for funsies.


Instead of your normal, balls-to-the-wall, get out of your way maneuvering, you may find that you’re moving through a molasses morass of your own making. No manipulation, no railroading. You’re just gonna have to be patient and deal with YOU this month.

Aries’ March Challenge: Seated forward fold forever

First, don’t make any plans to do anything or go anywhere, even if those plans are later in the year. I mean, you can do the research and get things ready to go but save yourself the frustration of things NOT working out and use your slow and steady talents for things that have no meaningful outcome. Like disc golf.

Taurus’ March Challenge: Plow pose

Sorry, what? I can’t hear you. No, don’t throw away all of your devices and ways to communicate with the outside world. Don’t run away to a far-off mountain and grow your hair long and perfect your pronunciation of “OM.” Don’t buy a donkey and name it after your favorite Aunt. Just wait. March will end eventually.

Gemini’s March Challenge:  Supine pigeon


It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel. It is okay to allow yourself extra time to feel all of these feelings that are heading your way and process them in your own way. It is not okay to text your ex, stalk your boss, or otherwise ruminate on the past feels that are no longer a part of your life smoothie. Practice screaming. Like a frog.

Cancer’s March Challenge: Yogi squat (ribbit)

You are a star, and that is your favorite place to be until Mercury comes along and destroys all your tricks and tools that make you even more fabulous. Get ready to laugh at yourself… a lot. Nothing is in your hands, and you may as well work on your comedy act this month.

Leo’s March Challenge: Horse pose… with jazz hands.

Expect nothing to be right, and for everything you rely on to prove how right you always are to blow up in your hands. You’ll find new ways to get that point across, of course, because you’re a Virgo and unstoppable when you are right. Unless you’re wrong.

Virgo’s March Challenge: Standing half lotus, bound & blindfolded

Mercury’s gift to you is a beautiful, but a partial shot of complete instability. It’s just enough to make you wobble, but not quite enough for you to fall over completely. You may slur your speech. You could email the wrong person. You may try to speak too many words to get your point across

Libra’s March Challenge:  The balance mantra

Speaking of ways to drive yourself crazy, it may be difficult to express your inner darkness this month because of all of the ridiculous things happening to everyone else around you. You could stay calm and be an example to others, or you can use your talents to rattle their cages even more.

Scorpio’s March Challenge: Cat pose, no cow

Not one person is going to understand anything that is exploding from your brain. You may need to invest in a really good journal, a lot of pencils, and a whole lot of determination to muddle through this hell of a retrograde. You’re cool and all. Buy some new shoes or a boat to bide your time.

Sagittarius’ March Challenge: Memorize all yamas and niyamas in Klingon

The world cannot possibly get MORE off your lawn at this point, and yet, here we are. Perhaps this is a good time to head to that Vipassana meditation you’ve been looking at, where you can focus solely on your inner workings and let go of all of the crap you’re constantly dealing with because nobody else can be bothered. Hmph.

Capricorn’s March Challenge: Smiling sun salutations

Dare I say that your unique and endearing ways of communication may fall short this month as everyone else seems to be dealing with a crap ton of awful. You’re like the sad clown staring wistfully through a foggy window, gently sighing, waiting for all your friends to come out and play again. Le sigh.

Aquarius’ March Challenge: Mountain pose with fists shaking at the sky

Last year was pretty awful, and maybe you’re coming out of it. Just kidding, you’re totally coming out of whatever that crap was, and that’s why this retrograde is so important for you. You get to end things on your terms, but that’s not all! You also get a glimpse into how you can really TALK to the Universe and deepen that connection again. Once it apologizes, of course.

Pisces’ March Challenge: Butterfly with Nadi Shodhana

Be fearless, even as everything you cling to in your own reality slowly fades into the abyss. Blame the retrograde. That’s what the professionals do.

Edited by Ely Bakouche

Art: Mercury, plate six from The Seven Planets with the Zodiacs by Hans Sebald Beham. Courtesy of Art Institute Chicago


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