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October HORRORscopes: Cleaning Your Karmic Closet

I saw a funny meme the other day, something about pumping up the “flirty Libra muscles” again now that the “stodgy” Virgo season has passed. I laughed. I cried. I methodically looked back on my life choices and realized how true it was… but not that Virgo is stodgy. Picky, yes. Overwhelmed by Full Moon in Pisces’ energy (emo AF) during our ONE MONTH of self-actualization, yes. Flirty? Virgo isn’t flirty in the flirty sense, that is a Libra thing. But over the last month, Virgos were energetically slapped by fishes as the Virgo Sun was delicately wrapped up in the grasp of Pisces Moon energies. Even under the best circumstances, that can make all of us (Virgos or not) seem stodgy as we try to navigate through such an emotional confluence of blech.

In comparison, during Pisces season, most of our fishy friends are celebrating the entire month (note: Pisces coined the idea of the birthday month) only to be tripped by the Virgo moon that makes them emotionally practical and concerned with office supplies.

For those who are in their Sun sign season (we are in Libra season), the opposite moon has a powerful, balancing effect. The Sun sign equates to the logistics or outward energy of the season, moon equates to the emotions and internal drive that pushes, tempers, or exacerbates the Sun energy. Oddly enough, in the season of Libra, contemplating these balances or dualities is important because Libra energy craves balance and diplomacy, it wants to stay in the plumb line and not rock the boat. Libra energy is the epitome of root to rise, rinse and squeeze, and inhale and exhale… oh, and, flirt and not commit.

Opposing Asstrology Energies include:

Virgo – logical. Pisces – emotional.

Libra – diplomatic. Aries – impulsive.

Scorpio – obsessive. Taurus – pragmatic.

Sagittarius – expansive. Gemini – scattered.

Capricorn – blunt. Cancer – sensitive.

Aquarius – eccentric. Leo – egocentric.

Not all signs are polar opposites but can be just enough to set off the perfect storm of energetic influence that gets things done. Those energies butt heads to create root to rise situations that help us extend our energetic bodies (minds and spirits) into the cosmos and back again. They’re also there to shake up what is pissing us off and give us tools to deal with ourselves accordingly.

So… happy October! The Libra/Scorpio season teaches us to make like a tree and leave. We find Libra balance by releasing what we’ve gathered over the year that is no longer serving us to make room for the newness to come.

While you’re out there cleaning your karmic closet and just in time for Halloween and Pumpkin Spice Uggs, there’s a mercury retrograde happening on Oct. 31 to screw up all of your chances for a happy end-of-year holiday season. The Aries full moon (Oct 13) will cause you to say or do really dumb things to the people you love the most and with Venus moving into Scorpio, that flirty Libra energy will get a lot HOTTER for like 48 hours before we all get caught up in some weird Snapchat lie from 1999 that has come back to haunt us.

Give or take a decade.

Let’s do this!


Please put on some pants. This flirty, dark, brooding, sexy energy has you a little more, ahem, randy than normal. On the flippity-flop, you may have some crashing and burning when it comes to your current finances or other currency energy. Whatever drives you needs to have a slow arc to the peak pose, so to speak. Stop spending and giving away your energy. Instead, get yourself a budget and a night alone. Eat some kale.

Aries’ October Challenge: Stay off Groupon


You’re used to keeping to yourself for the most part, which is why it may buck your bronco a bit as you are rodeo’d into more cooperative endeavors than you prefer. Not only do you have to play nicely with others, but this Venus in Scorpio with a little Uranus tickle will have you snorting and steering your way through complexities of romantic relationships and your passion projects. Basically, it’s a lot of bull this month… but not without a few prizes here and there.

Taurus’ October Challenge: Partner Lotus


The world may have been spinning a little too wildly for your delicate balance. Your internal struggle has been a nice glimpse into how others must approach you on a regular basis, but you haven’t been able to escape. Fortunately, we have impermanence and the understanding that nothing lasts forever. Of course, Mars and its assertively assy energy will make sure you have one of those MOTHAFUGGA moments before everything calms down to your normal chaos again. Maybe it’s a new job. Perhaps it’s the plague. Being a Gemini is fun, right?

Gemini’s October Challenge: Warrior II, dead stare into the abyss


On one hand, you’re probably going to have a pretty great month for your professional side. On the other hand, you may find out how difficult it is to balance your career goals and your relationship… your family… pretty much anything that could be emotionally supportive for you. Fortunately, there is all of that professional goodness to make you feel better about how shaky-bakey those emotions are making you.

Cancer’s October Challenge: Half-split, hands to heart, don’t blink.


Nice hair. You are looking pretty lovely these days. Did you go keto? What is your secret? Have you noticed people being more complimentary toward you than usual? Do you still want to R O A R them into oblivion? Things are a little unstable in your emotional world this month, but that’s what happens when we let our leaves go to prepare for newness. Yours will be starting right after I remind you of how fabulous you are and how scary it is when you growl.

Leo’s October Challenge: Boat pose, keep it steady


Lovelies, we had our time to shine, and now we must go back to work, running the show. It is good to be back in the driver’s seat or behind that Oz-like curtain. Now we get to clean up our debts, metaphorically and literally, and put all of that anxiety and worry behind us. Fortunately, our time of relaxation will be short (because how nerve-wracking is it when there’s nothing to be worried about?) so we can get ready for the Mercury retrograde at the end of the month. Smile!

Virgo’s October Challenge: Chair pose, touch your nose


There’s no place like home… unless home hasn’t been a safe space to lay your pretty head. While it is your birthday month, it seems that you get to face some of those pesky household chores and decide what (or who) stays and what (or who) goes. Fortunately, you may see an additional stream of revenue open up. Unfortunately, you may have your wallet stolen as you try to stick that revenue into the bank. It is going to be a rocky, back-and-forth, yin-to-the-yang balancing act all month, just how you like it.

Libra’s October Challenge: Mountain


Normally, we consider our Scorpio friends to be sullen, withdrawn, and introverted. There’s nothing wrong with that, except when you suddenly are peppy, optimistic, and way too happy. It scares us. We need the reassurance that you are silently emo, understanding the world on levels we’ll never quite get to. Reaching deep down into those inner reserves of badassery that don’t put up with bullshit. Instead, here we are, looking at window treatments and discussing holiday recipes. What has become of you, Scorpio?

Scorpio’s October Challenge: Meaningful insight, please


While you’ve been busy thinking, teaching, and explaining, you may have forgotten that there is an affection connection that is slipping into… total rejection (ha!). Fear not, it isn’t just that you’ve gone off on some self-anthropological dig-dug, but the scattering of energies this month is just a little nuttier than usual for you. Nadi shodhana yourself back into the moment and take your lil’ darlin’ out for pizza.

Sagittarius’ October Challenge: Camel


You know what they say about goats? They’re go-tastic! Once in a while, they’re also ego-tastic, but that’s a different horrorscope. This month, you’ll be strutting your stuff through all sorts of social and romantic encounters. Maybe you’ll get a raise or a new job. Maybe a fling will be a surprise new relationship. Whatever it is you’ve got a fantabulous month, and we’re all super jealous.

Capricorn’s October Challenge: Mermaid with a hair flip


Venus has it in for you this month in some pretty great ways, but specifically in your career, hopes, and dreams arena. You don’t have to worry about Mercury or the Moon (well, within reason), you get to slippity-slide your way through an ooey-gooey month of being acknowledged for your hard work (whaaa?). By the time we hit November, you’ll be ready to move forward with a little romance, or at least a little cocooning time, but for now, just be normal, and nobody will suspect a thing.

Aquarius’ October Challenge: Supine Twists, victory fingers


Money, finances, and purpose are often interchangeable in Asstrology land. Money creates a trail to follow that refines our “special purpose” or sends us signals that creating pottery for rehabilitated squirrels is probably going to lead only to starvation. This month, your drive may seem to stagnate. Your money may seem to trickle rather than flow. You may want to think about why this situation is recurring and how you can slam your fishy foot down and take control of your world. Also, heads up for the Mercury retrograde and the closure that’s coming. Love you *heart*.

Pisces’ October Challenge: B R E A T H E

Edited by Ely Bakouche

Zodiac sign illustrations by Anastasia Zaritovskaya

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