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September HORRORscopes: Recovering From the Summer of Retrogrades

Well, this has been quite the summer. Apologies for leaving you hanging while I frolicked amongst the stars. It was a good break; in particular, I found myself dodging the wrath of a Mercury Retrograde from hell while spinning knee-deep in writing and researching yoga training manuals and other bendy business. We had a ton of planets doing the retrograde, backward-spinny thing. Lots of time to button up those loose ends and scurry away from the exes and ohs. It was honestly a really good time for all of us to take a break.

Your dog didn’t barf all over your new silk tapestry because of Mercury.

There is SO much bad (yoga AND asstrology) information out there, with too many people and memes blaming their troubles on those sweet little Mercury Retrogrades… like there aren’t even more problems coming from the retrogrades of Saturn, Jupiter, and Goofy… er, Pluto (or, you know, personal responsibility). Over the summer, just about every planet was backasswards while we all dealt with various weather anomalies, technology glitches, and catastrophic misunderstandings. But if you step back and watch frantically circulating memes on the Interwebs claiming that everything is Mercury’s fault (unless there’s a full moon), and that we can all expect BIG COSMIC CHANGE to happen pretty much every day of the year you may notice a pattern of people being completely full of shit, too.

All in all, let’s just say Summer 2019 is/was a success if you consider that we’re all here right now. Still, we get to bake our brains for a few more weeks while we dream of those warm, fuzzy yoga sweaters and all of the teacher trainings we’ll never get to take.

Fall 2019 is upon us, bringing glorious planetary gifts of abundance, eye-bleeding inner work, and a bunch of changes resulting from the summer of Retrogrades. Y’know, as they say in every fall yoga class: falling leaves remind us that everything changes and we can just let go.

Moving on… We did have a ton of retrograde planets throughout the summer with their energy of introspection and closure. Now, we have a poker table filled with planets in Virgo (the Sun, Mercury, Mars, and Venus) at least through the middle of the month. What this means is that we may all feel a lot of pressure to perform, but we also will have a ton of great tools with which to succeed. We are ALL Virgos this month… and this is why we Yoga. Ha!

Let’s do this!


Slow it down there, partner. This incredible, efficient energy pulsing from the flawless Virgo wazoo is no excuse to try to do ALL THE THINGS before you collapse in a sweaty mess of fire and delight. I know you don’t care because you’re so high on YOU that you’re probably not even reading this anymore, are you?

Aries’ September Challenge: Bound Lotus. Ha.


The Sun is in Virgo, Venus is in Virgo, you’re in love with life and all of the wonders surrounding you. Maybe it is that new yoga mat or the lavender sage spray you rediscovered. Maybe you’re just a bull on the prowl for some nice lookin’ cow. Whatever it is, you do you, and bat those pretty eyes at anyone who tickles your… fancy.

Taurus’ September Challenge: Butterfly (and a wink)


Do you know what happens when Virgo (your partner in communication crime) shines its sun in your face? You get a whole month to devote to organizing your world, getting things done, and renewing your randomly introverted energy stores. Get the mop and start cleaning your house (does this spark joy??)  both literally and metaphorically.

Gemini’s September Challenge: Low crescent twist


You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have… Cancer’s September. It will be a ping-pong month of growth that doesn’t always feel like you are moving forward. Like when you realize just how awful your voice sounds on your new phone, helping you to set up an entirely new recording studio in your closet.

Cancer’s September Challenge: Third eye drishti (you’ll get through this)


You and your Gemini friends should team up for the clean up this month. All types of decluttering energy are coming your way and will be especially important when you realize you have no more money to buy that organic clove and kombucha smoothie that brings you life. Beware the financial bottom line as you head into fall and start building up some bank to get you through these next few months.

Leo’s September Challenge: Tai chi


All the cool kids are Virgos right now, but we were Virgos before Virgos were cool… or something like that. This month, we get to watch the frustration of others as their perfect souffle collapses, and they struggle with the impossible tasks of being a Virgo. While they’re taking the Virgo burden off our shoulders, we get to do some vision boarding about the future. We couldn’t ask for a better birthday season.

Virgo’s September Challenge: Sphinx pose, no giggling


Hold your horses, you balance-driven seeker of truth. You have so much time to gaze at your proverbial navel that you can luxuriate in the knowledge that your time is coming. The end of days is near. You’re going to find yourself challenged to new heights of maintaining your balance and focus. Just not yet. Enjoy your Virgo season break.

Libra’s September Challenge: Half moon, prayer hands


Look at you, out there, collecting new friends and people to add to your tiny circle of trust. It’s like you decided to take a chance on a new flow class at the cat cafe and couldn’t help but be friendly. Don’t worry, this zest for life and people isn’t going to last forever, and you can soon go back to your former residence of silence and meditation (or video games, whatever).

Scorpio’s September Challenge: partner boat pose (cheerleader style!)


From thinker to do-er to reaping the rewards of a well-planned career move, this month will give you that little bit of extra zhuzh you need to score the promotion, raise, or new job of your dreams! Alternatively, you’ll find some really snazzy shoes and renew your love/hate of Pumpkin Spice Everything.

Sagittarius’ September Challenge: King pigeon


Instead of perfecting your smirk and ways to fully express your “editorial” nature, this month offers you a chance to let go, be free, and stop worrying so much about everything else going on. Live a little, take a vacation, plant a garden of spoons. Just use this Virgo energy (which should feel pretty good) to open yourself up to new situations, rather than standing firm in your (possibly) antiquated ways.

Capricorn’s September Challenge: Zumba


Given the current state of the planet and your need to feel connected to all the things, all the time, this month you have a pretty special opportunity to channel your social enthusiasm into deeper connections with your closest circle of friends and family. You may even feel like you are strategically planning your interactions and delving into the world of boundaries, gasp! Check your checkbook while you’re at it, just in case.

Aquarius’ September Challenge: Fireside chanting


The yin-yang balance of energy between Virgo and Pisces can usually be felt the best during those short times when each sign has its moment in the sun. Like now, the Sun is in Virgo. Six months ago, you had your birthday month! Ohhhh, ok! Yes, dreamy eyes, this month is going to feel a lot like that time for you, but with a little more freedom to explore. Your half-birthday gift is sensual, earthy energy that is unhampered by the swishy-wishy waters of your native Piscean self.

Pisces’ September Challenge: Goddess (obviously)

Edited by Ely Bakouche

Zodiac sign illustrations by Anastasia Zaritovskaya

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