illustration by @valeria_ko_art

May HORRORscopes: Confronting your Plutonian Plot Twist

Happy Darkside Days!

I have to tell you, this last month has been a whirlwind of weirdness. There has been a lot of new, springy-zingy energy that is driving the world into… hopefully not a head-on collision. We’ll see how that all plays out (in about six or so months). Sometimes, we get so impatient with what is GOING to happen, we forget to look at what IS happening. Even we mindfully-cemented yogis look to these horrorscopes for guidance for what is to come, forgetting that we can figure that out by looking around… or more importantly, forgetting that it doesn’t matter what is coming when all we have is this moment, this breath, this tasty taco.

Crunch, crunch.

That brings me right into the weirdness of Pluto and the chance for our favorite planet-not-a-planet-but-still-a-kinda-planet to have its turn in retrograde. Pluto spends about half of the year in retrograde, so this isn’t a terribly life-changing period, except when it is. This year, it shares retrograde status with Saturn and Jupiter, making these next few weeks and months probably a little more chaotic than we would like because of all of the self-reflective energies involved.

Altogether, this is a perfect time to find that mountain cabin in the woods and do a lot of deep sea soul searching.

Pluto, in general, mimics the seasons of light and dark. In a retrograde, we are given energies to dig through our ancestral gunk and seek ways to heal generational wounds. When direct, Pluto is like, “hey, baby, let’s go thwart the government and grab some new shoes on our way home.” These next backasswards Plutonian months (we’re here until October) are good for determining what is YOU and what has been told is YOU, spurring revolutionary action once Pluto moves ahead again this fall.

Upon completion of this underworld cycle, you may find you have all the things you need to thwart and advance into a better, less restricted, shinier version of yourself… Tacos included.

At the same time, and with the Saturn retrograde that also just started, you may notice the smashing of paradigms and glass ceilings (dare we dream!) over the next few months. Saturn has a “bull in a china shop” way of making things happen, whether we like it or not. Saturn retrograde in Capricorn has more of a “not this shit again” vibe to it, allowing us to walk away from the crap that holds us down.

Since Pluto is a slow-moving planet, its influence in a sign is there for a long, long time. For instance, those born between 1971-1984 have Pluto in their Libra (woosh!), giving them characteristics that typically are considered Generation X. To find where Pluto hits you directly, consult an astrology chart, or do a quick online search for the gory details.

In our horrorscope, we just check in with our Sun signs; those labels we carry around to make excuses for being late (Pisces), assy (Capricorn), too amazing for words (Virgo), or weird AF (Gemini & Aquarius). This time, if nothing else, Pluto gives us a chance to be honest with ourselves. Jerk.

Here are the horrorscopes you didn’t know you wanted:


People are up your wazoo, and you are going to have to figure out how to deal with that. You’re pretty good with doing what YOU want to do when you WANT to do it… But now you get to practice playing nicely with others.

Aries’ May Challenge: Partner Warrior III


You may have a natural inclination to stay within your Self, talking to your inner muse, eating chips on the sofa. Unfortunately, there is an air of exploration and spirituality in the Taurean air. It can’t hurt to get up and shake off the dust, you hairy beast of burden.

Taurus’ May Challenge: Running man dance


Speaking of living in one’s head, this month you may find that while you are really great at lovey-dovey external expression, there are deeper pits of affection within your soul. Listen more than you speak, tune into your inner black hole of intimacy before you get those matching tattoos.

Gemini’s May Challenge: Om Namah Shivaya


How’s that relationship working out for you? Can you make any changes to encourage growth, or is it time to let things go? Pluto retrograde asks you to evaluate your connections with others and how much energy you are allowing to flow because everything is literally your fault and maybe you should just go back to bed. Kidding!

Cancer’s May Challenge: Crow pose with head bonk


Do you feel that? There’s an energy suck going on around you, whether a person, a job, or just the blah blah blah of the blah blah. Chin up, little lion, get ready for a push of HUGE energy once you are done trudging through the dark abyss of nothingness. More meditation? Sure. Hit me.

Leo’s May Challenge: Butterfly pose


Do you know what Pluto retrograde does to Virgo? It makes you feel more. Then you have no choice but to analyze those feelings, which makes you process them, and express them. At least you get half a year vacation from the ooey-gooey goopity goop.

Virgo’s May Challenge: Camel


Your house of family and reminiscing is pinged during the Pluto retrograde, giving you plenty of old memories and old habits to confront. The good part is that you will also remember “who you are” during these times. The less fun part is remembering who you were and cleaning up some of the mess that’s been lingering for decades.

Libra’s May Challenge: Downward dog, gaze at your navel


Once upon a time, there was a Scorpio who didn’t have a major, internal karmic war to face. No, sorry, that’s a lie. Just stay out of everyone’s way while you do the heavy lifting and right the wrongs in the world. We’ll be waiting for you in October.

Scorpio’s May Challenge: Child’s pose


There comes a time, like every six months or so, when Sagittarius is called upon to discover what really matters in the pursuit of professional, educational, or personal understanding of the world. You’re smart enough. You’re driven enough. You have plenty of snacks. You just need to decide what you’re actually working for.

Sagittarius’ May Challenge: Forearm side plank


No wonder Capricorns are so cranky. Confronting those pesky emotions that surround the Self can be exhausting. Fortunately, you have absolutely no choice, and a fantastic work ethic to boot. Jump in, get to confrontin’, and buy yourself something pretty on the way out. You deserve the sparkles, too.

Capricorn’s May Challenge: Peacock pose


People are your people, and there are no happier people on the planet that those who are in your starry-eyed gaze. You shine, you bestow, you entertain. Make sure you check your motives before talk about anyone else’s weirdness, personal growth, or physical growths. Keep your secrets, little Hobbit.

Aquarius’ May Challenge: Plow pose


You may not be willing to let go of your relationships, those preciouses you truly love, but not all connections are healthy or encourage growth. Pluto gives you permission to swim the other way (as you do!) and make way for healthier, more fulfilling, future powerhouse friendships and lovers. Build a statue in your honor and enjoy the freedom to love yourself above anyone else.

Pisces’ May Challenge: Savasana

Edited by Ely Bakouche

Cover illustration by Valeria Ko.

Zodiac sign illustrations by Anastasia Zaritovskaya

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